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  • Age 13. One day, alone in my bedroom this baseline came on the radio. That's where it all began, if I were to define a moment in time.
    I'd managed to get hold of a leather biker jacket. I'd had my hair cut in a bob. I started wearing red lipstick. One weekend I took a bus to town and found my first tape. The Transformer album. The boy behind the counter asked me on a date. I turned him down. I used the only line I'd heard to say in this situation "I'm washing my hair".

    It was the beginnings of the heartbreaking I would go on to do and have done to me.

    School didn't serve me that well. I didn't much navigate the boys there, they were a mystery to me. So enticing, so selfish, so stupid. So something that I couldn't put into words, but made my body ache in ways I was beginning to like. I began to pay attention to the women of rock, the women they wrote about, the Bianca Jagger's and the Pattie Boyd's. Those women knew something I wanted to know. I wanted to know what it was to have those wild and voluminous men sing songs about me. Do battle. Tear out something of themselves to know me.

    I don't know. My 13 year old ego was aspirational. What can I say?

    It struck me the other day, I was never the girl to wait for a Prince Charming to show up and whisk me away to a life of something or other. No. I've been wondering where my Lou Reed is.

    Now, its some time later. I can tell you this 13 year old self. It all happened, what you wanted back then. More than once. Enough times to know that some dreams, aren't actually what you want. Because you turned them down, every time (and in the end, they probably did you but lets go easy on my 13 year old ego, for today) And, its time to find out what you actually do want.

    It feels a lot like it did back then, only maybe, a little more Laurie Anderson.
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