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  • Years ago I used to dream about you. I would dream that you hadn't really died and I was so angry at you for letting me think you did. I even had dreams of going to your parents' house and sneaking in your room. These times you were gone, and I wanted to go through your things. I wanted to pick out pieces of your life that I never got to after the way it all went down. Other times I would dream that you were alive and we were trying to make things work, but they were just off. I remember a dream this past year where I showed up and found out you had a new girlfriend. At first I was hurt beyond belief, but toward the end of that dream, I was giving you my blessing, even attending your wedding.

    Last night I dreamed that I showed up where you lived. It had been a long time somehow, and a bunch of your friends were outside and saw me approaching. Your windows weren't covered and as I approached I could see you were in there with a girl; she was mostly naked. Your friends tried to stop me from going in. I saw you see me and I gave you time to do whatever you needed to do before I reached your bedroom door. You asked why I was there, visibly perturbed and very obviously nervous about your girlfriend and I coming face to face. I didn't belong there. You knew it. Your friends knew it. I knew it. It was like I had to stop by. I couldn't let you go. I said I needed to make sure I had gotten all of my things from you. Oh, she was pissed. She got in my face. I didn't belong there and how dare I show up. She went outside and I told you again that I just needed to make sure I had all of my things. You went outside to be with her and your friends. I didn't find what I thought I was looking for. Nothing of mine was there. All of you were waiting for me to come back outside. I have never felt so unwelcome. I know there was a part of you that felt bad for me; I know you and I could see it in your eyes. But, the fact remained that I had no place there with you anymore. I had no business showing up in your life, even in my dreams. Your friends had even taken my car and driven it off the block somewhere where I would have to go find it, in a show of solidarity with you and your girlfriend and the idea that I was so very unwelcome. In the end I was fairly apologetic. I even got on my knees to apologize to your new love; to tell her that I just couldn't completely let you go. That was honest. She put her heel on my back between my shoulders and pushed me further face down to the ground. I let her. I didn't belong there. That was that. I had encroached in this land beyond consciousness.

    It's strange. It makes me think and wonder about alternate realities and planes of existence. I've shared before that I don't really know what I believe happens after this life, and that it is most likely different for everyone. You claimed Atheism. You said that you believed that when you die, you are just gone. You just simply cease to exist. My dad has said before that it really bothers him that you were not 'saved'. It never bothered me. I don't believe you are in 'Hell' because you didn't accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. I don't think that way. I wonder about you, though. Are you really living another life, somewhere else? Are you with someone that loves you and are you finally happy? I hope you are. I truly, truly do. I love you.
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