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  • What you really want is a chair which has not borne witness to humans lounging. Or learning to masturbate. Or held humans smoking pot and eating pizza. Or cradled a human who needed to cry, and rest their hands, sotted from the foibles of picking up the ball dropped by you and me and the rest of the human species, on its arms. What you want is a chair which shows no selective carelessness, no sadness, no anger, no dirty toes, no dribbled marinara, no feeling at all. And you want this after you have carelessly, unfeelingly dribbled your ghastly tasting marinara all over the planet. What you want is something so pressure-washed, it shows no history of your violence. A chair which washes your part in things clean, with its careful, tasteful longevity. A museum piece. You want a chair which absolves you. That chair will cost you $700 at Sotheby's, minimum, and of course, it will want company, because absolution loves company. That is why Club Chairs come in twos. It's $350 a chair, or I take both of them and throw them in the fucking river. What you really want is a beautiful chair no one can really be a human in, rather than a human history told in a chair. What you want is a chair which has known no doubt and hardship, "won" cheap, because in this world, that is what will make you a hero.
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