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  • It's well past midnight and I still can't shake off the thought of what I misread in our earlier chat. I've been thinking of you lately and what you are to me. In many ways, you are like the songs I listen to and the books I read, providing me a world of romance that fits into my desires. Despite my over-thinking, my ridiculous pride and absurd need for control, you do have a part of me.

    I remember how much I enjoyed playing with you. How I loved making you tremble. But the fact is that now I'm also losing control of myself. I can blame distance for most of it. I know I will go back to being calculating when I'm in front of you again. I like to fancy myself stronger than I am. The selfish. The hedonist. You know me. You know I can't let you own more than I give you. You know how I need this idea of having control. You know how I enjoy making you sway with my waves. And I know you enjoy it as well.

    I've been thinking of you lately and losing myself into this idea of us. The truth is I'm terrified of breaking this scenario we've created, where we dive into each other like starving preys. Preys who found that particular flavour among a myriad of feasts longing to be devoured by us. The moment I let you in, everything else will be lost. The romance, the colours. It will all become too vivid, and too temporal. I'm not ready to return to a reality without you.

    Tonight I hate that the possibility of you leaving her has caused a stir in my mind. I hate that, for a moment, that gave me a bit of joy. I know I've always been against it when you said you'd leave her, but perhaps today is different. Perhaps I just miss our talks and your kisses. Perhaps I just miss this careless romance we've been holding for years, while you've been with her and I've been with others. I could blame the distance, but those kisses... Those kisses were perfect.
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