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  • I never really gave it a thought!

    That part of me which hold such intense power.
    Such light.
    That part of me which creates life.
    That part where I too grew 29 years ago in my mothers very own.

    Whether it works,
    Whether it doesn't,
    My awareness of it's miracle was long forgotten.
    Cast aside...
    Until today.

    It has been so much easier for me to tread through life with my masculine energy in force.
    It is so easy for me to ignore what is going on underneath this protective organism they call skin.

    What really happens?
    When I think about the creation of life it is really quite...

    When I placed my hand onto my lower abdomen,
    Holding that special place,
    I felt emotion.

    The kind of emotion that is slightly confused.
    That which I can't help but wonder...

    Will I ever use it?
    Will I bloom?
    Will I ever say 'I GOT ME A BUN IN THE OVEN!!'
    (whilst i waddle toward the oven to remove the buns I've been baking for my 'I'm pregnant' cravings. Of course.)

    There are many definitions of a woman in bloom but for me...
    She is starting to really open up and show her beauty when she is with child.

    Will that ever be me?

    I ask myself,
    Will I ever be in the right frame of mind to be a mother?

    I fear that my insecurities and worries, my addictive behaviors will be passed down to my child
    Although I know that each day I am in recovery I gain more and more tools to be able to work through anything that comes my way.

    This does not stop my wonder.

    Every month I pack myself tight to (not always) discretely soak up another wasted preparation of life.
    Every month I get emotional and my mood adjusts to my hormones demand.

    For what??
    For me to carry on wishing it away until it's too late?

    For me,
    Growing up and getting my period was bloody inconvenient.
    Not to mention mocked, ignored and looked at as inappropriate to discuss.
    It was however,
    A great excuse to get out of sports and swimming at school.
    I'm sure God didn't intend it to be that way.

    Today I learned that in some cultures it is seen as a sign that the goddess lives within you which you first menstruate.
    That you are to be treated like a goddess;
    Hands touched and feet washed by Father to welcome your womanhood with gentle appreciation, loving kindness and acceptance.
    For you are to nurture the goddess within you from that day forth.

    It is a celebration.
    A celebration of life and future!

    I had this overwhelming need to want to to feel special for the woman I am.
    The want for all women to be made to feel special in this way before we're tainted with resentment to our own bodies was very strong.

    That moment I realised I have a womb,
    That I am a life giver
    Was one of the most emotional and breath taking moments...
    Of my life.
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