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Sadness And Wonder by Kiki Suarez
 

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  • Over many years I have attended a young woman in psychotherapy, who does not have money, lived with her mother, who was full of debts after the father left her with her 4 children and so she paid me each session with four chocolate chip - cookies from the little corner store which sustained her mom, her siblings and her. Recently her mom suddenly died of a Cancer originated by the Papiloma Virus. The woman was just 50 years old, just getting out of debt, her children finally all close to finishing their careers and dies two weeks after she is diagnosed and in great pain. My patient´s mother also was my patient and I accompanied her a but to her death. I had lent them money in desperate situations before and lent money for the coffin now.

    Ten days ago the brother of my patient contacted me: his sister was extremely depressed and he was worried. Yes, I called her. I know: a psychotherapist should not lend money, call a patient...but what do you do when you live where there is so much misery and necessity?

    I called her and she came to a session with her boy - friend and confessed that she had tried to kill herself, but then was too scared, how without her mom she did not want to continue living. After the session we made an appointment for a following one, which was yesterday. Right now I do not charge her a penny.

    Yesterday I waited and waited and she did not arrive. She just lives round the corner from my office. I got really worried and texted her brother. Five minutes later her brother answered me: oh, no, she - my sister - is just fine, she is studying, she says she just forgot her appointment!

    I had taken a taxi from my house to come to my office to see her....

    Those are the moments when I feel abused by desperate people....

    I did some walking meditation in my office to feel my disappointment and sadness and try to just let it be as they say you - and I!! - should.

    Part of the roof of my office is just covered with fibaerglass and suddenly there was this noise, this sound: a cat walking over? Lizzards in the moment of sun after torrents of rain? The sound was here and then there and there was a chirring and jumping: those were birds! My ears are much better than my eyes and birds tend to be fast - moving and so for a while I listened and heard, but my failing eyes had hard work to do to spot the creatures that had arrived to visit my moment of sadness: about 15 - 20 little birds that jumped around on top of the old fiberglass! I was stunned, that had never happened in the 13 years that I have been working under this roof!

    Had they come to pick up some insects? To gather for whatever bird - event?

    I ran to my handbag, fetched the iPhone, clicked where I need to click to get to the camera - all that takes an enormous amount of time once you are in a hurry! - and YES: I caught 2 of them up there on the roof!

    What can I say? My sadness vanished and turned into awe and wonder....It truly IS a mysterious universe!

    _____________________________________
    Photography by KIKI: 1. a corner of my office in the morning light 2. 2 visiting birds
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