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  • I smoke a lot. Not as much as I would like to. I wish I had a job. I could live alone and smoke as much as I want to. I wouldn't have to eat.

    I envision a high rise apartment in a city big enough that I could go unremarked and unnoticed for the most part.

    I am so sad. Sometimes I feel nothing. Mostly I am empty and cold. I think on the suffering and tragedy in the world. People starving, women raped in Darfur, children slaughtered in Syria. Other people standing up in defiance, protesting, acting, helping. I feed out news stories. I want to do something but I can't. My misery is insignificant in comparison; a selfish indulgence. Yet it fills me to paralysis.

    I went to the opening of the Obama 2012 campaign office. Lots of people. When people spoke to me I answered. Otherwise I stood there. Finally I left. I felt conspicuous standing alone. I walked past the Occupy camp. I love the Occupiers -- they are so courageous. But I can't even speak. I look at my feet as I walk by.

    The more I see all I could do and don't, the worse I feel. I feel useless and superfluous. I feel worse when I think how privileged and lucky I am in comparison to so many. I sign another petition. Big fucking deal.

    Tears of despicable self-pity wet my eyelids while I write. How arrogant of me to think I am the worst most useless person alive.
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