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  • today I am beast.
    i am allergic to myself.
    it is a day of confessions.
    spouted in desperation.
    as rangy as weeds.

    I am feeling particularly unbalanced. even the morning lists sharply to a side - pulled by the bloodweight of last night. plagued by cantankerous shadows like splinters in low raggedy tide pools their sockets fill with tears that congeal to bruises that disappear into the sand that goes drier for the salt
    how many sorrows has the sand drawn from the melonflesh of the earthgrazing belly of the sky?

    I have a (relatively) few (thank god) times when I really disappointed myself - when I have broken my own heart with a springgreen snap when I remember i feel as bittersharp as the day.

    top three: the California trip summer after eighth grade. in love with a boy and so blind with it that I didn't see how carefully my father planned this trip and how much it cost him.

    then: leading a trail ride 20 girl scouts long. when a horse threw his rider so badly she lay convulsing on the ground her rolled up eyes like hard boiled eggs on her sweat slicky face I did not go to her and sent my aide instead.

    then: my cousin showed me her wedding gown on the internet huddled around the computer in a desert study desiccated with humblegrooved routines as constant and warmdeepsweet as horsehide and sun shining and I disliked the corset detail out loud. in a voice oily with oblivion.

    now I am adding last night to the roster of moral ghosts that haunt me. which is why today in a word sucked.
    I am a little less human.
    I am beast.
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