I didn't realize that I was in captivity until I tasted freedom.
This freedom unveiled my wings and gave me the ability to fly. How long was I bound to a dark existence? When people expressed to me about Jesus' love and how He freed them, their eyes lit up with a joy that I didn't understand.
A joy that I was supposed to have but didn't. I never realized how meaningless and depressing my life was until recently. It happened gradually; this change. I felt Jesus' love the way it was always. I had just never understood it. I was always in a noose, being depressed over my failures--I failed and failed so many times, my salvation was on my own shoulders. It felt like I was on my way to hell. I did try in a points of my life to reach out and call to Jesus but I never got a reply.
I was lost and I didn't know what to do.
I was in a pit filled with darkness which only clawed at my eyes, ears, soul. I felt like I didn't have a chance. It was easy to go to church, sit for two hours in my formal church gear. It was easy to sing in choir. I was meeting my quota and this was enough for my mom. She was happy that I wore a skirt, I went to church, and that I did something on the side. She never questioned me before.
Those things weren't from my own heart. I only felt like I needed to do them in order to please my mom. This lifestyle was easy. I idolized everything. It was easy to do so. Too easy. It wasn't too soon when I fell into that dark hole. There was no way out--at least it felt like it.
I wasn't able to do anything. I was hopeless. I placed everything I had into my own hands. Sure, I lived a clean life--no sex, no drugs, no drinking but I was dead on the inside.
This death I didn't understand until I was crying over my Anatomy textbook, no plans for the future.
I didn't place my trust in Jesus--I didn't have Jesus. I had own blinded perception of what a Christian was. I sang the hymns but I might as well been lip-syncing. I didn't understand the words.
Now. Now I do. I see Jesus' beautiful grace, His wonderful love and I smile with the same joy that I once never understood. I have Jesus and He's here with me. I will follow Him!
I still have a long way to go but I want to work for Jesus and to serve Him! What other life could there be? I have yet to desire to read and learn the Gospel for myself. I have yet to pray more and I have yet a long way to grow spiritually.
I have Jesus--the real joy-giver! He is amazing, beautiful, and my Savior!