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  • “I am working very hard in curing my heart,” confesses my taxi – driver once he has found out that I am a psychotherapist.
    He is a big and stocky and very dark – skinned Mayan man. He is 38 years old he tells me and his first deep wound was that both his parents were teachers working in Mayan communities and they left him since early childhood behind with his grandparents. He felt abandoned. He was sure they did not love him. When a child feels unloved he or she always reasons that the fault must lie within him – or herself and the reason is always the same: If my parents do not love me, I must be worthless…
    “With 16 I had sex with a ten – year – older woman, she got pregnant and her family forced me to marry her and I did. Our son was born and he was all white skin and blond hair and I was sure he was not my son and I could not love him. I did not love my wife either, we had just had sex and I was just 16 years old and she did not love me and one day she took the boy and left me. That is I had to leave, she kept the house. I rented a room and worked as a truck driver. The woman, who rented me the room, was as old as my mother: 38 years. She offered me her love, if I loved her; she would pay for my room, give me food, and wash my clothes. And I accepted. We lived for 2 years together, but again: neither she nor I were in love. She wanted sex and I wanted a roof above my head and food. She got tired of me eventually and I had to leave. I went back to live with my parents and two brothers. My father died and my mother went to live with one of my sisters in another house. My brothers got married and suddenly I lived alone in the house and I felt terribly lonely. That is when I met my third wife. We also were not in love, but both lonely and so she came to live with me. Suddenly my mother started fighting with my sister, she wanted to return to what still was her house, the house I lived in with my girl – friend. I accepted. She said we could stay in one room and we had to pay rent. My girl – friend did not like this change at all. My work took me to be away for days in a row and one day when I returned early from a week away I saw my girl kissing another man not far from our house, just there in the street. When I blew up she just packed her stuff and went to live with the other guy. Even though I had not really loved her, I was shattered: my parents had abandoned me for years when I was a child and now one woman after the next abandoned me! I started drinking; I let the trucks go and started working as a taxi driver. There was this young girl, first pregnant, then with her baby – girl, who sold tamales at the roadside. We became friends. We were friends for a long time. At night I drove her home, but she just rented a room, she had no home, no family. I also was so lonely again and one day I said: you can come and live with me. I am not in love with you and I know you are not in love with me, but I give you a roof and money for food, you are my woman, you wash my house…She agreed and you know what: slowly I fell in love with her. She was the first woman I loved and we had a daughter and I loved her first daughter just as if she was mine. But I kept drinking and then I went into rages and on the only woman I have ever loved I took out all my rage. I beat her! I had never beaten any other woman before. One day she left and I was heartbroken and I still am. I started attending AA – Groups, I started looking into myself and my sad soul, and I started understanding my own heart. My mother had also died and both my parents died without that I had forgiven them. I also had not asked them to forgive me. H, I had to ask all the women I had been with for forgiveness, I had to forgive myself. I am not drinking anymore, I feel some peace, but it is a huge piece of work I still have to do. I want to see my children, but my oldest boy does not want to see me, he is a grown man now. My daughters want to see me, but their mother doesn´t want me to see them. She has a new boy – friend, but has seen me with another woman and that is why she does not let me see the girls. Again I do not love the woman I am with, but she helps me not feel lonely. I put all this in God´s hands now: my daughters, my son, love, and another woman. I can give myself little pleasures now: before I picked you up I licked two cones of ice – cream and I enjoyed every little bit of them – I am just starting to learn how to enjoy….”

    Art by Kiki
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