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  • I have died twice. Died to my old self to become someone else. The person who taught me the necessity to do this is long gone by now and it's precisely because of his absence that I died my first time.
    But the thing is, although an event can mark the exact moment of your "death", you can't actually say that you are reborn until you do realize that you indeed are another person. Before that realisation, all you have is a long purgatory as a ghost with unfinished business. I've been in this place twice, and maybe still am; maybe I haven't had my second rebirth yet, only my second death.

    Anyhow, this is a story about how sometimes the only ghost haunting us is ourselves, and how someone is not actually depressed, but distracted.

    I've moved to another country eight months ago, started living by myself for the first time in life and faced some dificulties every grown up with a little larger than average emotional side suffers from. And recently I found myself with not even a single motivation in life, which unsurprisingly lead me to do really bad at my new university.
    At monday I was supposed to have a supervision meeting, in which my teacher would make considerations about the work I was meant to send her by email one day before, sunday. After not struggling at all to do a single paragraph of this thesis during the entire weekend, but struggling to want to do, I did a poor job on monday morning and hurry up to meet her. This habit, of trying hard to want to do something, and feeling like shit because you are just unable to do anything that requires the minimum of endeavor and hard work, is what has dominated my life in a daily basis.

    On my way to university, some few thoughts crossed my mind, all of them being around the "I'll lie about having sent an email with the work and somehow didn't press 'send' and got stuck in drafts" and the "I am a despicable human being who can't achieve anything in life and that would be better dead by now, since I am completely uncapable of coping up even with my smallest responsibilities". After deciding I wouldn't lie to her but tell the truth, and promise myself I would have more commitment with my obligations, I arrived at her office just to hear these words coming out of her mouth:

    "-Dear, the supervision is not today, is next monday. You still have one week to do your job".

    And, after leaving her office, I sat on the floor and wrote 50 times in my notebook "I am the only one boycotting me".

    One day after this incident, I still am boycotting myself. So instead of writing the phrase another 50 times, I decided to write this story instead.
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