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  • There she lies: flat on her back: 82 years old, bloodsugar skyrocketing, lungs don´t want to work, heart pushed up by constant injections.

    " I am not afraid of dying," she says to me, when I sit down beside her and start caressing her still beautiful feet," I had a good and long life. I am just afraid of suffocating, with my fibrosis, they say, that is how I will die!"

    I tell her about a friend who died of lung cancer and the last moment doesn´t seem to have been terrible.

    "You know, Kiki, how I grew up, the smartest minds visited my Dad. Octavio Paz was a constant guest. Jean - Paul Sarte was a friend. I grew up with these extraordinarily bright minds around me and what I learnt was: GOD is completely out of question. I hate priests and the church and all these tales. I am a sworn - in leftist and communist and atheist...."

    I know all that, but she needs to repeat it, she needs to state again and again who - she thinks - she is. For many years I have feared her harsh judgements, but recently we have become friends. I never talk politics with her. She has had a life for a Hollywood movie, but relationships have not worked out well, elationships with men, one an ex - priest. She struggles with this and I try to accompany her. I feel compassion.

    " I need to wonder about the meaning of it all, Kiki, that is why I have called you. I need to tell you: now, lying here and watching the birds and flowers, the fish and the butterflies ( There are no fish here up in the mountains, no ponds, but she keeps mentioning the fish and so I write it down here) I recognize their exquisite beauty and I ask myself: how can this exist? And I ask myself: God?"

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    Art by Kiki ( THE ENCOUNTER)
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