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  • Change. Some people hate it, others can't live without it. People like me live because of it.

    I always wonder why is it that I crave change so much. Change of scenery, hair color and style, work, education and experiences. Paradoxically, most of my relationships have been steady and tend to last for years, both romantic and friendships.

    I have lived in NYC for 20 years now (with a 3 year miserable stint in Connecticut) and I am ready for more change. I miss Europe terribly. And once I am there, I will miss NYC.

    But us humans with unstable and unpredictable brain chemistry, those of us who understand how the mind works and what makes it happy, understand the power of change. Two years ago, I flipped my life upside down and changed everything from where I lived to how I looked, to owning a dog, to whom I was with. Those changes saved me and my mind.

    Neuroplasticity is defined as: brain plasticity, is an umbrella term that encompasses both synaptic plasticity and non-synaptic plasticity—it refers to changes in neural pathways and synapses which are due to changes in behavior, environment and neural processes.

    The change I caused 2 years ago triggered something in my brain and brought me for the first time in many years, pure joy. I believe in neuroplasticity, I lived the change. And now as my mind begins to unravel towards darkness, I crave change again. It is my own prescription and my way out. I feel like I have discovered the cure that all of these doctors have been missing all these years. Change your brain through experience.

    Still, I cannot help but wonder if by changing myself, my location my surroundings, my hair color (the image in the story shows all the shades I have been in the last few years) is just running away from issues I cannot seem to deal with. I imagine leaving the hair salon so utterly changed to the point where the darkness that has been chasing me for decades does not recognize me and leaves. I imagine the darkness not knowing my new address and is unable to find me for a while. I imagine it not having a place to sit by me on the couch as there is no more room next to my dog.

    Is change masking the war in my mind by distracting me with new experiences and artificially inflating my happiness or is change the very thing that I need to ward off my demons and stay afloat?

    I do not think I will ever know the answer to this. I do know that change makes me versatile, resilient and a chameleon of life experiences all random, unpredictable, often scary but ultimately worthwhile.

    Week 6 of 52 - Story a Week in 2014
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