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  • My dad prayed with me once. It was after he had touched me, apparently by accident. He obviously felt pretty awful about it, so I let it go. It didn't bother me; my shell was hardened. He never prayed with me again. That didn't bother me either.

    As I grew into a rebellious teenager, his methods became stricter. I am rarely ever on the computer or have my phone or am allowed to go out anymore. It is like a perpetual state of grounding. And there was plenty of yelling and tension in our house. I haven't even been bad recently. Sure, I used to drink and was sexually active at an early age. But I got over my "sexually active because I don't want to be alone" thing and grew into a "sexually active because I'm confident and hot and I want this" thing. That was after I was in therapy for a while and gained that part of me back. I have no problem telling guys no when I need to now. I definitely found my voice.

    Maybe he never really prayed with me again because he realized I'm half a Christian. Don't get me wrong, I love God and all. I just don't love everything the church is and stands for. I get that the "spiritual but not religious" saying gets banal, but I understand it. I wouldn't say that's me. I pray, I sing, I worship. I go to church smiling and passing around an boisterous "Peace be with you" to everyone I see. I hug people I've grown to detest. I am a hypocrite, just like most of the people in that church. The difference is that I don't bother gossiping and yet do nothing to fix it, like my "holier than thou" parents and leadership do. If I have a problem with someone, they'll know for the most part.

    According to my parents, my sister is the perfect kid. Great grades, two-sport (if cheerleading qualifies as a sport) athlete, thin, attractive, popular and obedient. Me? I'm just half-ass. Decent grade, stage manager, mediocre in weight and stature, has friends but not a huge amount, and goes through rebellious. It's great to go through life being compared to a perfect person. Not.

    I guess it could be worse. I'll take half-ass for now. Because at the moment, Ol' Half-ass isn't doing too bad for herself.
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