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  • People Changing
    Sends an unspeakable pain through my body.
    I don’t know how to describe it.
    I don’t think I was able to realize how withdrawn I was,
    Until I went on Instagram for the first time in months.

    My best friend of two years
    Who I hardly talk to anymore
    Has a boyfriend.
    My whole “group” hangs out regularly
    Without me.

    Every time I talk to old friends in school,
    I seem to get something cold in return.
    The problem is that it isn’t like I’ve lost my old friends
    And gained new ones.
    I’ve just lost my old ones.

    I once saw a psychologist who said
    My mental illness might be linked to a seasonal depression
    I do always get worse as the weather gets colder.
    I never paid any mind to it at the time
    And I dismissed the notion.
    But maybe she was right

    I always seem to start scratching in the cold winter.
    Scratching is basically my way to keep from cutting.
    I hadn’t even scratched since around February or March
    Until a few days ago.

    How am I supposed to stand this?
    I have been pulling away from everyone
    Without realizing it.

    I used to annoy everyone I talked to
    By talking about my problems.
    Now I don’t talk about them at all,
    Or about anything, for that matter.

    I just get pissed off
    And I couldn’t begin to tell you why that is
    It seems like every time I open my mouth
    I say something mean,
    Especially when it comes to my family.

    I have become quieter and quieter.
    I used to talk in class all the time, during class discussions and all.
    Now I get anxiety even thinking about contributing.
    I don’t want to say something stupid,
    But it’s more than that.
    And I can’t put my finger on what exactly it is.

    It sucks that when you are so busy and so sad
    That you forget about living.
    You forget about people you used to care about
    And they forget about you.

    Do you even exist anymore?
    I guess that part is open-ended
    But I don’t want to just exist
    When I feel like a ghost
    Observing my own life from the sidelines.

    My self-esteem has plummeted
    I was finally in a good place
    And now I am just out of place
    I just want to stop this nightmare.
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