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  • i'm in a rut. i hate it so much. my mind used to be ADD with ideas, going all over the place. now its like I'm brain dead. there's no creativity. i didn't sign up for this.

    lately life has made me question a lot about myself; what i really want, who i am, my dreams, everything. the aspect that has proven to be so troubling though is what story am i trying to tell? what does my voice want to say?

    since freshman year of college, i have depended on writing for my college newspaper to make me feel whole. yet, like life tends to do, other staff members saw things differently this year. the organization that i once loved has become something that i don't hate but at the same time isn't my home like it was not long ago. it sucks but i guess its probably the best for me as a writer- i need to start honing in on my vision instead of trying to conform to others.

    what is it though? its odd because at this point i'm also trying to figure out my style as well-- whats my signature look. a book that i stumbled upon yesterday said that in order to create something that we want to be we must observe others, compile images of what we like and mesh it into ourselves. i can't help but wonder if the same goes with writing. but where on earth do you even start when you're so lost?

    maybe that's the fun? it's kind of like a rebirth. i don't know where my vision is going, i don't know where it is, i'm just embracing things that seem interesting and hoping that it takes me somewhere cool.

    in mass today the father spoke about how we have to be devoted to something to see results- in that case it was faith. we must be truly committed to our practice in order to get something out of it. he said life is crazy and busy but that still isn't a good excuse. we have to find time to dedicate to it. if we do, we will feel great things and see positive outcomes. its that simple. i really want to think that my creative dreams are similar to my faith; that little by little after dedication i will finally find and come to love the voice that i have created bit by bit and that one day it will be used to inspire. again, bit by bit.
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