How do I start a story about a person that has affected my life in a way I had never expected? I never saw myself as a mother or having children. Not that I didn't want kids I just never thought about it. When I found out I was pregnant I was shell shocked. It wasn't that I felt I wasn't ready for the responsibility. I'm a care giver by nature. I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to love her the way that people talk about loving their child. I'm not sure if this is a common fear among mothers but it was my biggest fear.
When Alexandra was born they took her away from me immediately to clean her off and make sure she was healthy. After being in labor for two days I lied there feeling completely empty and alone. I didn't feel that overwhelming joy that woman talk about. It was total and utter fear. I felt disconnected from her. Who was this creature?
The first few months she never slept. The less she slept the more I felt like this was a mistake. I was sleep deprived and longing for a connection to my child that I couldn't form. I never thought anything was wrong with me. I actually felt that this was a totally normal thing to feel. We were getting to know each other and with anyone who keeps you up all day and night you're not going to really like them all that much.
As the months went on we started to fall in love. Little by little it happened. Some days I would feel myself falling more in love with her. The way she would touch me or cry for me.
Mothers don't always talk about the hard times with their kids. The times when they doubt themselves. I love talking about these things because it makes me feel human. I can make mistakes and feel miserable and know that I'm doing my best because I'm being honest with myself and with my daughter.