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  • Laying on the couch drifting back and forth from unconscious and conscious my head feels like it's whirling in circles. The leaves have fallen off the trees, the students are busy and rushing off to the first week of school, and the fall chills are slowly and seamlessly gliding down on us, leaving me with a drippy nose, heavy headache, and sore throat, pinned to this couch while he is sitting over there focused on his laptop. Regardless of my state of health, I want to remember this moment forever. Like many times before it's the beginning of sweet fall, and a start of another bitter goodbye.

    Somewhere in my weary head of mine, I remember a particular moment. I'm not sure why this scene is being replayed over and over again in my head, but it's a memory that seems to comfort me, and relax me in this state of seesaw sleep. It was a wet fall afternoon, and the sun is slowly leaving the skies, leaving behind an orange purple ombre reminisce in the clouds. I remember walking down campus with my fall stained boots, carefully walking over those wet fallen leaves drowning in what's left of the first rain. In the corner of my eyes I see a mister whizzing by on his longboard that comes to an abrupt stop. You had popped off your long board picked it up and walked towards me, I turned to see a face of a familiar friend. We weren't that close, we've had the ordinary over the surface conversations here and there, we existed in different circles and college just had it's way of discreetly bringing our paths together, where we had met and now we are just obligated to stop say hi, and make insignificant small talk. As I turn hesitantly towards you, you start...

    "Hi! Haven't seen you in a while."
    "Yeah I know... how are you???"
    "I'm good, how are you?"
    "Good...just going home from class."
    "Me too, I just got out of class."
    "Ok I'll see you later...?"

    I considered it an awkward conversation although I have no idea why it was, since we've hung out in group settings before. I guess that's just what college does to you. They bring you to a new distant place, where you look for new family, new people you can relate with, or even find out which are those people you can't stand. You enjoy seeing the familiar faces, those meaningless hello's and goodbye's that made you a part of something bigger. Those moments of finding yourself and where you can idenify among a vast diverse field of individuals. A different type of innocence, unconstrained by fear and rules. Empowered by the youthful freedom.

    But I guess Fall has always filled me with indescribable emotion. Maybe because fall has always been the season where I have had to begin something new. Fall has always to me, felt like "goodbye." When I hugged my parents and said goodbye every new year I went to college. When I said goodbye to my friends and family and set off on a trip abroad to my mother's country. When I said good bye to a 4 year relationship that evidently hurt and broke my heart. And now, saying goodbye to another phase in my life.

    This goodbye is to that person from my distant memory, and in the far future. The person that I ran into that day after class, where we said our short hellos and goodbyes and went on with our lives. Who would of known that our path's would of intersected again after college, and converged as one. This goodbye is not exactly a gloomy goodbye, it's only the end to a chapter. We started dating during a time where I have just left the poisonous darkness of my last relationship. Unsure of whether or not I could ever love again, you came and proved me wrong as well as made my dreams come true. We spent the first year of our relationship doing everything that we wished to do, we explored the world together with half full pockets; and during the fame-less, penniless time, we truly found ourselves, in the world, in the future, and within each other. We spent every waking moment with each other filled with ordinary simple love. The sweet moments impossible to put into words. Somehow that artificial run in, we had turned into something more, something great. Something unexpected and beautiful. Our relationship reminds me of an ordinary seed that is pushed into the depths of dirt. Surrounded by darkness, yet we were able to take in the sad cold rain, and bursted towards the sun. Growing into something absolutely...breathless.

    I can confidently say that we are leaving this phase of our relationship into something better. Confident with who we are and what we have. Although it pains me to have to leave you, and not be able to wake up by your side everyday. You have taught me something that I never realized for myself before. Was that I will always have you by my side, regardless the distance. We were friends before we fell in love, and somehow during the course of love, we became something even more powerful than that, we became best friends.

    I had given this "place" another chance, staying here for another year to fulfill the rest of my goals. But I realized that this place no longer holds the people I used to love, they only hold those memories that I made with those people that stayed up late with me all night, that experienced the angels and devils of situations with me. I feel myself drifting further from those memories, looking for new ones. It's a little disheartening that those people who I still think about all the time, has no idea. But you can't pick and choose who is in your life, that has to happen naturally; I guess that's just the bittersweetness of life. The bittersweetness of goodbyes. People don't understand that when they choose to leave your life they only leave physically, but they still live in your life mentally. And when you think back about them, it's like you are living amongst the ghost of those you used to love. I will always think of those people from time to time, whether or not they choose to think about me. The fall will always remind me of our memories, and will always be able to bring a smile to my face.

    Regardless I still made sweet memories the past year we had at this place. Different types of memories. These memories didn't involve the craziness of the college life. It involves me doing work at a quiet coffee shop with my significant other. Coming home from work to be able to cook a beautiful meal with the one you love. Sit among the carpet and watch scary movies as we snack on homemade popcorn. The long walks we had around the perimeter of this tiny town, appreciating things we never took time to notice before. But as much as I want to stay and bask in this fantasy we've created, I know that great thing must come to an end, possibly so better things can sprout.

    This is yet another fall that feels like "goodbye." But I am optimistic about what lies in the future. And as another fall pass and the next one comes sprinting around, I will always be reminded of this nostalgia that will forever live in this place.

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