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  • This morning I woke up at 7:24 because I couldn't sleep. Because tomorrow is tomorrow and I know he wont care. And even if I did get a text I wouldn't know what to say. Thanks? Mom's gone? I miss you? I still love you? I might not be here tomorrow?

    The only reason I haven't ended it all is because of Dad. But I know we'll get in a fight soon and then I don't know what will happen.

    I'm in a literal constant daze. My eyes are blurry. I hear but I don't remember anything people tell me. I can't focus on anything. I can't even screw around wasting time on the computer anymore. I sit staring at the screen, wondering what I should do.

    My arms are weak. My chest is tight, and heavy.

    My thoughts of suicide are so constant it's like a demon hanging on my back chattering into my ear. So zealous that I'm pushed to just take a nap to make them stop - and at least if I'm unconscious I wont do anything.

    If I were anyone else I would strongly recommend seeing a doctor and getting treatment - just as anyone who reads this will think the same thing. But I will not owe my life to pills. Even though said medication will promote endorphins and the production of dopamine an emptiness will linger. I'm only here because of a crutch. So, pills might help me feel better but they wont change facts.

    I think another reason why this is so hard is because I have no goal, direction or purpose. I've never had that problem before. I've always told others that I acknowledge that I have no idea what that must be like because my whole life I've known that animals are what I am passionate about. So, I grew up and knew I wanted a career with animals, wildlife. I narrowed that thought down to wanting to major in Ethology. So, I figured all about going to university and graduating and seeing what I can contribute to the world. And now I don't have the same gusto about animals. College? I don't really care what happens.

    I'm lost. Like my compass is broken, for the first time.

    I was reading a website that said to take it one day at a time. So, the plan is nothing.
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