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  • Sometimes this love really terrifies me. Sometimes I feel frozen, afraid to say how I feel even when I know its reciprocated. Am I this afraid of getting hurt, of having it all crash down, that I start to pull away, or sometimes the opposite and hold too close, suffocating, pushing you away?

    Or am I afraid of the opposite? The idea that maybe this won't come crashing down, that this will work, that this is the person to let in and what does that mean for my identity, my independence? If I am no longer alone, am I still me?

    I have gotten so good at being alone. As much as I have said that I want love, that I want someone there with me, what if I don't? What if I am lying? Or what if I have been guarding myself, never getting too close in order to shield myself in case I never found what I was looking for?

    What if I have found it? What does that mean anyway? This big love of ours...is it the thing? The thing I have always wanted? The thing I didn't know I needed? Is there really such a thing? It sounds so silly to think like this. But late at night when the worries and self-destructive insecurities haunt my dreams, I can't help but think such thoughts.

    Then you turn and wrap your soft arms around me and hold me close, nuzzling your nose into my neck and twisting your fingers around mine.

    All I know is that I love you. And I can see it in your big brown eyes, you love me too. I can feel it wrapped around me and in those moments I feel safe from all of my demons, safe from my self. From all of the silly thoughts I can't help but think.
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