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  • I.
    I am usually grounded and sturdy. I have fanciful ideas but they are more fantasy than fear. But last year something about the Mayan end of the world prediction caught me in a snipers site and I felt it was coming. A seed of panic arose. I saw Hel preparing her legions of dead by removing their nails for her ship, and waited for the roosters to cry. And the time came and passed, and we lived on. The sky did not fall. The giants did not rise to crush us. But within me something was stirring.

    London Underground is a labyrinthian paradise for those who feel at home there. Having lived in London for years, I have a homely exhilaration stepping into its clattering dusty veins. My last visit, I felt Fenrir sniffing at my back as I edged closer to the track and the train drew in. For a moment, such a brief moment, I chose to jump. I knew I could, that that would be it, that there would be no more worry left, no more fear. That that one decision in a moments impulsivity would change everything. For me, for others - those I know and those who witnessed it.
    Of course I chose not to but I felt Fenrirs breath on me for a few hours still, and as he came to lick my face, I had my first panic attack.

    Every decision we make is not a free one. It is wrapped up in consequences, in relations, in responsibilities. I made choices, good choices, that have led me to here. Yet with every choice, there are thousands of corpses - choices that never will be.
    I chose my man and settled down. I have a great husband, a great home, and a great career. The cadavers of choice that sometimes rise before me to taunt, remind me I will not have children, I will not spend my younger years travelling, I will not be free from responsibility. They try to make me discontent and threaten existence. I hold onto Yggdrasil, the tree of life... the symbol of which I have tattooed on my back as a reminder. Occasionally I can feel it shake at its roots.

    I dreamed of you, Heimdallr, last night. I dreamed I had to get to you, to stand on Bifrost with you and make sure you were looking out for Ragnarok. I could wait for the sound of your horn no longer. And somehow I feel stronger.
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