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  • I have always tried to be perfect.
    I think eventually it got to the point where I stopped seeing myself, and only saw the perfect version of me. In my eyes, when I wasn't being perfect, I was falling short of myself. I felt guilty and ashamed.
    I'm was like a little worker bee. Humming along, always working, always trying to meet the standards. Always trying to go above and beyond.
    And that's a part of me. Hard work has gotten me to where I am today.
    But in trying to make myself perfect in the eyes of myself and others, I have neglected who I really am. The goal of getting the perfect transcript so I can one day get into the perfect college has taken priority over being myself. Hours are spent doing busywork in order to achieve that perfect A. Minutes are scavenged to spend by myself, hurriedly reading snippet of a book or traipsing quickly through my overgrown backyard to enjoy the solitude among the foliage. I feel guilty afterwards for wasting time I could have spent studying.

    I might have well have sold my soul to the school system. Actually, the more accurate item of bargain would probably be all of my time and effort, but that certainly feels quite a lot like my soul. So many of my insecurities and anxieties have been spurred on by my quest for academic excellence. I've cried in fear that my grades won't be good enough to get me into my dream school. I've obsessively compared myself to my close friends, weighing their academic successes against mine. In my head they always win, no matter what I've accomplished. To myself, I'm not ever good enough.
    This concept of perfection is ruining me.The closer I am to my goal, whatever it may be, the farther away I feel and the more imperfections I see. I'm tired of the excessive competition. I'm tried of trying to be the person that I think will impress others. I will always continue to work hard and try to succeed, because that is a part of who I am. But I will also allow myself to be the rest of me, the conglomeration of flaws and quirks and ideas that make up who I am. And I will embrace and love all of it.
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