My story.. There's a lot to say. I'm fifteen. I've lived with my mom ever since I was born. I grew up not to be judgmental. I grew up with a mom that likes other women. I've been use to it though, no one ever knew. I always wanted to have a normal family though. My mom doesn't know that. I've always wanted a mom and dad who were married. But I knew it wasn't going to happen because my mom was a lesbian. I have a godmother that's been there for me since I was four. Me and my mom moved a lot, I've moved from Arkansas to Louisiana to Montana to Texas and right back to Arkansas. Schools and new people don't come as a shock to me, although I have extreme anxiety issues. I was put on medication when I was little. The kids at school didn't help at all either. Nobody really liked me in elementary. I was always annoying, ugly, stupid, and everybody also teased me for my curly hair. I failed third grade because my teacher thought I was retarded. When I was little, I would get so mad or upset that I would start to self abuse myself. I've busted my lip, gave myself bruises, and even came home from school everyday crying. My mom always said, " don't let them get to you" but it's hard to say that when everybody did it to me. I had friends just not a lot. I had a friend named Remi. Me and her argued a lot and even sometimes fought but she was the only actual good friend I had. My mom dated her mom for awhile until I was eleven or twelve then they broke up, My mom ended up moving us from Montana to Texarkana, Texas. I only agreed to move there because I could see my dad more. You see? I never got to see my dad a lot. He would always make promises he couldn't keep. Like this one time he promised he would come get me for Christmas, I waited and waited until it was nine or ten at night and he never showed. They called my mom saying he couldn't come to get me. I cried so much that night. I said I hated him to but it wasn't true. I waited five years before I could see my dad and when I actually do get to see him, he's still never there. After we moved there, My mom met Angie. I hated her. She hated me. We hated each other. She would always try to find ways to yell at me. Like whenever her and my mom got into an argument, she would put me in it. She would call me a mistake, A bitch, and I'm pretty sure she has called me a hoe before. She smoked weed and stuff like that. I never liked her. I was in fifth grade at the time. That summer I went to go see my godmother for three months in Florida. That's where I met Ryan. I went to summer camp with him when I was twelve. I've known him for three years. A week before I was suppose to go home, My godmother took my phone away and she wouldn't tell me why. I wasn't even aloud to get on Facebook. No one would tell me why. When I got home, My mom told me to come in the back room so I did.
She told me there was an accident and that my dad was in a gun accident. I asked " he's gonna be okay right?" She said he didn't make it. I didn't believe it. It's not that I didn't want to but I couldn't. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. I finally get to move to where I can see him more and he's just taken away from me. My mom tried to hug me but I ran to the bathroom and locked it. I didn't talk to anybody for awhile. Of course I cried but not like a regular person would cry if they were hurt. No, I cried because I lost the one thing that meant the most to me.
And knowing I would never see him again made me sick. Ryan was the first person I told that same day. I started sixth grade the next day. The same day I met my best friend for three years, Felicitee. She was the only one who cared enough to talk to me that day. I thank her for that. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't of been able to handle the day by myself. A few days later I went to the viewing, I couldn't handle it. My aunt Mandy got me to go up there to see him but I ran to a bathroom and locked it. I never even went to the funeral. I regret it. But I wrote this poem they read for my dad. My grandma told me everybody started crying after that. I was twelve when I lost him. After that everything started going bad for me. In got ISS for passing out condoms to kids. A few weeks later they kicked me out of that school. I had to start going to the school on the Arkansas side of town. I got wrote up on the third day of that school for writing a poem with so much bad language on it. A few weeks before all this happened to me. Ryan, My first boyfriend broke up with me. I was twelve so of course I'm gonna be upset about it. My 7th grade year got worse. I got teased big time. A few guys that would ask me to do stuff, I would say no. Then they would tell everybody that I was a whore and slut. So I was usually quiet. I've been hit by guys at school to. Everybody called me either slut , whore, bitch, ugly, fat, and more. That year was the first year I started cutting. I would cut every day. My grades would drop and I would get really depressed. I wouldn't come out of my room and I barely ate. One day someone told the teachers about me cutting and they called me over and told me to take off my jacket and pulled up my sleeves. They asked me why I did that but I couldn't answer it. I just started crying. What I was really worried about was that I hoped that they didn't tell my mom. My mom caught me one time and yelled at me and took away my phone. I never did and still don't think my mom understood how much I was going through. Months after that I got caught stealing from Walmart that my mom worked at. The called my mom and let me off with a warning. When I got home she made me write sentences, I was fourteen. The school also put me on probation for missing school. So my mom decided to tell my probation officer all the other things I did such as cutting,stealing, misbehaving at school, stuff like that. So he put me on probation for six months. And tried to make me go to counseling. My mom couldn't afford it though. I still kept cutting after that. From this day on, I still have the scars from it. My eight grade year got a little better but I'm still struggling. Me and Ryan got back together this year. I've been working on my grades a lot. This year I'm struggling with my anger this year. I busted all four of my knuckles already because of it. My grandma's trying to get me a punching bag so I can stop punching walls. I honestly don't think it would work. I went to my dads grave for the first time in three years. I didn't stay but a few minutes. I still couldn't handle it. I went during Christmas. That was his favorite holiday. But you see My mom and dad were first cousins, they weren't all the way blood related but they were still related. I didn't find out about it until I was twelve. My dad told me himself and to be honest I wasn't surprised or anything. I was actually completely calm about it. But I managed to get through this year without any problems. I even stopped cutting. I got off probation. And my grades are up. I'm even working on trying to get my learners permit. But I have to study a drivers book in order to pass the test. This school years almost over, I only have two weeks and a half before summers here. I'm also in this talent show at school. I'm going to be singing, a lot of people say I'm really good to. After summers over, I'll be started high school. I'm taking Bio medical Sciences, Family and Consumer Sciences, And Varsity Choir. I'm working on either being in a music career, Law career, Or in Cosmetology. I'm hoping to get into to college in Florida after high school. That's why I'm working on getting a scholarship. I'm Tori Hutto. I've been through losing My dad, Mental abuse from kids, self-abuse, Sexual abuse from guys at school, and losing myself in the process. But I'm getting back on my feet. It may not be much. But it's all real and it's all me.