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Girl Boy Girl by Morgan C.

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  • Hi, I'm Morgan, and I just got my braces off which is why I'm home alone. I wouldn't be recording right now if I wasn't, because some of the stuff I want to get off my chest is really hard to discuss with my parents face-to-face.
    Growing up is always hard, I think, but so many of us are doing it these days, earlier and earlier. I personally don't think I'm particularly ready to do any growing, although I seem to be being forced into it without any say in the matter. I'm 17 and about to be shipped off to college: that just gives me more to think about. Every morning, I have to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself to grow up, although that hasn't exactly worked yet!
    I've never been what I saw in the mirror. If I looked too hard, I'd see an unfamiliar face on an unfamiliar body; the longer I stood staring, the more foreign the person gawking back at me became. I was never that face, never that body.
    Maybe I knew deep inside that I wasn't a girl? Maybe that was my mind's way of trying to tell me that I was in a body that didn't belong to me. I'm not exactly ready to say that I'm a boy, though, either. I guess a lot of it has to do with fear, because I'm afraid to tell people... I'm afraid that they won't accept me and at the same time, I'm afraid that I won't accept myself either because this has been really difficult to even come this far and say that I'm not a girl. But at the same time, I think I'm okay just saying that I'm neither. I think that's even more difficult sometimes, in that a lot of people will invalidate what you feel because 'you can't just not be one or the other' and it's kind of silly. I mean, I know a lot of people who accept that sort of thing, but at the same time I know a lot of people who don't, and that's pretty scary too... but, I guess that's the beauty of growing up! There's so much still to live through and learn about myself and about others.
    But for right now, I'm fine being me: You know, I'm 17 and about to go to college, and I'm just... I guess all I'm waiting for now is to find out who I might become. So, here's to the future and we'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to it.
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