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  • She sits there in front of me and with a sweet sad smile she whispers," I need to tell you something I cannot hold inside myself any longer. You are the only person in the world I can tell this to: last week I had sex for the first time in my life!"

    She bites her lip and checks that her mother, who has accompanied her here, really left my waiting room and went to wait with the secretary downstairs.

    She is 18 and sex seems normal at this age.

    " Are you in love with the boy? Did you enjoy it?" I ask her.

    She shakes her head violently.

    " Oh no, " she explains," I am neither curious about sex nor in love with that boy. He is just nice to me, while most others do not want ever to hang out with me. He helps me with some subjects in school. He has a girl - friend. I am not in love with him either. But that afternoon doing some homework together he suddenly pulled me to his bed, he was quick, put a condom on and undressed me. I did not want to make love, but I did what he wanted. I did not enjoy a thing, to the contrary it hurt! But I wanted it to hurt. I wanted to hurt myself badly, because there is this knot of fury in my throat. All the time I am furious. I am furious with my mother, because yes, she loves me, but she loves my younger brother even more so. I am full of resentment with my Dad, who hardly ever comes to see me. I am mad at life that gave me this terrible Epilepsy. I am angry at my comrades at school for avoiding me and making fun of me. The only way to get some relief seemed to have sex with that boy. Even though I will never tell my mother, it was an act of taking revenge on her for not loving me well enough. She wants me to be a virgin and now I am not anymore and that feels a little good in me. The sex was terrible, but the fact that it hurt me did my heart a little good: the hard knot of anger became a little smaller for a while. But the following day I got so mad, you cannot imagine how angry I got at my brother at some very stupid detail that I do not even remember now. We screamed and yelled and I cried my eyes out. And then I had a long and bad seizure. I am still tired and shaky from it. Help me to deal differently with my anger, please!"

    And that I will attempt to do.

    Cross your fingers!

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    Art by Kiki

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