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  • I've had some revelations recently, some wake-up calls, things that have caused me to reevaluate everything. Truth came strolling into my office one day, a couple weeks ago, in the form of a dear and trusted old friend, and I just haven't been able to shake it, since.

    People keep showing up, and conversations keep happening, that are revealing to me the true nature of things. When it was only partially revealed, I just wanted to run, withdraw from the whole crazy business, and take the "nuclear option" - retire, sell it all off, go someplace we can afford to live on a reduced income, live the simple life. I was so disgusted, and felt so trapped in my current situation, that looked terribly attractive.

    But, I have remained open, to the truth and to any other options the universe might have in store for me. Truth keeps revealing more and more of how things got to this place, and that I clearly have other options, besides the nuclear option, to consider.

    How I got here? I believed a lie. I was offered what looked like an attractive position, where I could lead several major projects and build on relationships that had been forged from trust and mutual respect. I thought I shared a common understanding and goals with the person who offered it to me. I trusted my own instincts over insights from others who are usually good about these things. I was wrong - they were right. I finally see it. I see why everything I've tried has failed, and why I am no longer motivated to bring my "A" game to work, why I find myself going through motions for something I no longer believe in. I also know, I just can't do that anymore. The truth has been revealed. The lie has been exposed.

    I'm not hurt or feeling betrayed or any of that. I don't believe they thought they were lying. I simply misread intent. I am not about building kingdoms - I am about providing service, and supporting an organization that has a heart. This one no longer does, as far as I can discern.

    My job now is to find one that does. Find a mission and a cause that I can get myself behind, and that can use what I bring. It's there, just waiting for me to wake up to it, and to bring my "A" game to making it better.

    Until then, the dream is over where I'm at. They're going to get "me", unvarnished and from the heart. Like it or not. I'm not sleeping, anymore. I'm wide awake.
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