Hazel could see that something was very wrong with me the moment she walked into my home. Her attempts at small talk were met with mumbles and eventually silence. My gaze was fixed to the carpet in a “thousand-yard-stare” as I listened to the sound of the distant thunder storm in my mind.
“It's really bad, isn't it?” I heard her say in a soft voice that someone might use to calm a beast.
I nodded, feeling the tears beginning to fill my eyes, but still said nothing.
“Do you want to lay down together?” She asked.
Wordless, I nodded again as she helped me to bed. In her loving arms, with somber music to fill the silence, and candles to keep the dark at bay, I cracked. The feeling I endured was something like being possessed by a monster. I was a vessel for my despair, unable to restrain the intense sobbing that over took my body.
It felt like fire.
My hands curled to fists and my teeth clenched tight. I writhed in Hazel's arms wrestling with myself as my heart imploded on itself. The oubliette of my mind pulled me from Hazel, and my thoughts turned dim.
I can't do this anymore and I'm not sure I want to. I'm getting worse and I'm scared. I want to hurt myself again, and the only thing stopping me is that I've made a promise to the closest people to me that I wouldn't. If I break a promise then I inflict the same wounds on those who love me. I wish I never spoke about my pain to anyone. I wish I was somebody worth loving. I wish I was dead.
This is what my depression is doing to me. I'm being crushed and burned from the inside out, and I can't breathe.
And if it wasn't for the love of my best friends....I just don't know.