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  • Within a minute of posting my April Fool's prank, I regretted it. Earlier that morning Paulie and I had talked about how we'd never really gotten into the holiday. I said the only thing I'd ever tried before was telling someone I was pregnant, so we toyed with starting that rumor - even though that's not something we have to worry about.

    I didn't want to be specific. I said "Aaaaaand...Now I realize why so many people over the years warned me to 'Never say Never' every time I said "I'll Never (fill in the blank) again." Well played, all of those people. Well played. You win!!!"

    I've said both that I'd never get married again, and that I'd never have another baby. I soon got the expected "what?!" and "tell us!" and texts "are you fucking pregnant?!" from friends. I enlisted their help to make equally vague comments. "Love you guys!" and things like that. But it felt forced and fake and a little bit sad. Because that won't ever be us - as much as I or any of those people who got a flash of excitement for us (before realizing the prank) would like it to be.

    Though he was in on it, later in the day - much later, after dinner - he emailed me. A long email, an unfinished e-fight we'd been having a few weeks ago but had put on hold because my dad came into town, and then it was my birthday, and then things felt okay again. And this time he asked questions that I couldn't answer. It's always my job to take his dread and assumptions of the worst and convince him that he's being an idiot and that I'm happy to be here and that I'm not going anywhere, despite his warnings that he won't be around forever. He always ends these emails with a question. Can we? Where are we? We should/Shouldn't we? and it drives me crazy. He knows the answer he wants to the questions, he's just waiting for me to be the one to say it.

    This time I couldn't do that thing, that reassuring. I answered it all, I cited and quoted and rehashed. I corrected a complaint with "you aren't tiptoeing, you're poking the wound with a stick."

    I ended with a question, "So where does that leave us?"
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