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  • i thought that i had figured it all out

    i cried hard for no real reason

    maybe it was everything happening all at once

    maybe it was because i realized how much i missed you

    or love you

    or need you

    or because i want you as a constant in my life

    i'm through saying that i was because of nothing



    more vocal, you asked, as i threw my hands up and walked away

    a storm that scared you

    screaming, "you already know all this"

    you retreating, saying it meant nothing to you

    scared.

    me singing to you, i'm sorry and i love you over and over again. like a bizarre lullaby before bed. trying to make you love me.

    you left because you had to, not because you wanted to, i imagine.

    that if tomorrow started off like last night ended there would be a sheer mess on our hands. that i might attack you. in the open.

    cried in the morning, like i always seem to, but this time on the hearth of the stone fireplace, letter in hand.

    drove back 6 hours listening to the smiths, girls, abba, you name it, it was on my stereo.

    immediately played music in a concert-hall for strangers

    a conversation directly to you

    as if you were really in front of me

    and sometimes, when i close my eyes, i think that i can see you in the crowd


    that's when i feel absolutely insane, when i know that i am about to lose it

    about to shun myself so that i can stop the crazy from coming out

    my guitarist asked me if i had ever thought that i was schizophrenic.

    he asked me that seriously. with a slight judgement, i'd say. maybe it was worry. maybe he could tell that i was on the fringes. about to step out of reality for a while.

    i quickly thought about something i read when i was young about how love makes your brain produce chemicals similar to schizophrenia. and it saddened me. is that why i feel crazy? because i love you and finally realized it? overwhemingly.


    love is a ghost.

    that will burn you out.
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