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  • After a very long day, filled with much unnecessary waiting, I was really spent, and slept a deep and needed sleep. Upon awakening, little battles still raged inside, little angers going up against minor fears, all being magnified in the early morning fog of my pre-first-cup-of-coffee brain. I remembered something I’d left undone in preparation for a big meeting next week, and after fretting over that for a little while, I shot off an e-mail that will hopefully handle it.

    I read a bunch of Cowbird stories, catching up some – I try to keep myself up on the stories of those I follow, impossible task as it is most of the time. Weeks like this, there just doesn’t seem to be much time for that.

    I wasn’t feeling great, and it was still quite early, so I tried going back to sleep. Wasn’t happening. The battles were still raging inside, and I strongly sensed that more sleep would not quell them.

    So, I got up, and remembered I needed to do my morning quiet time. We needed a cease-fire, here! Not necessarily to feel better, just to align myself with the spirit of the universe. That’s what it’s about, for me. How I feel has nothing to do with it, nothing at all. However, it often does follow that, once aligned, I feel a hell of a lot better. Maybe not physically, but deep down inside, I am taken far below my angers and fears to a place that rests in the assurance that all is where it should be, and I am where I need to be, and put into a position to be ready for whatever might come my way, this day. And it tends to keep me here, in this day, and not into worrying about next week. That’s what it’s about.

    This morning was no exception. I definitely was feeling “off” when I awoke. A lot of fear had creeped into my consciousness. Stupid fears. Irrational fears. To follow their thought patterns was to get on a neverending wheel of despair, and I know it - so I do what I can to not go there. I read. I practice. I follow the guidance of my reading, and through meditation, of my spirit. It puts me into a much better place.
  • I still don’t feel great, physically, and even emotionally, I’m still a bit wrung out. I’m still feeling the effects of having been around cats this week. I have the congestion that I always get when I spend extended time in Pennsylvania. Whatever is in the air up here always sets off my allergies. I still have some of that drained feeling of having spent 7 hours, 5 of which were completely unnecessary, in a hospital yesterday.

    But, down below all of that, I am filled with hope, and with gratitude. Hope that Spring really is coming, even though it still doesn’t feel like it. (I tell myself that weather shouldn’t affect me like it does sometimes, but lately, it really has. I am so tired of the cold. Bone tired of it!) Hope that healing is happening, and will happen despite the environment and the challenges. Grateful for having had the opportunity to make a difference, however small and sometimes feeling like insignificant, in a person’s life, at a time when they really needed it.

    Grateful to be in a postion to visit an old friend today, and to spend an evening with one of my favorite people in the world, my little sister and her family. Grateful to have a life companion whose company I enjoy so much, and who is always there and who feeds my spirit and gives me the space I need to grow into who I am becoming, each and every day. Grateful that I am not settling into middle age comfortably, and just allowing myself to settle. Grateful that I continue to seek to improve who I am, and to be a better person, even while I increasingly accept my shortcomings and don’t beat myself up over them. They are a part of who I am, and make me who I am. Live with them. Accept them. Be them. If they no longer fit, move past them. Keep striving to live in the moment. Be here. Now. Breathe. Live.
  • It’s time to get the hell out of “God’s Country” and back to my world, the world I love. Honestly, “God’s Country” ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Great place to visit, but I sure as hell wouldn’t want to live here. It would be very constrictive for me. Perhaps just a bit too “Christian” for my tastes. Too set in its ways. Too self-righteous. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. It just really is not me.

    I love my life, love where I live, love everything about it. I know that it is where I belong. It’s always nice to get away for a week or so, but I am always happy to go back home. One more day, and there I will be. Now, I’m starting to really feel better!
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