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  • We made it through the winter. And what a time it has been. I don’t even realize that so much time has gone by. I’ve been in the US for over 3 months now. It’s past the point where I can say I just got back; past the point where I can say I’m still adjusting. Now that spring is here, I feel a subtle sense of accomplishment. My mind has been going back and forth, sometimes rejoicing in the beauty of life and others struggling for air. Spring has come. And although it doesn’t look like it, I feel a change within myself that could only come from a season of doubt and breath and fear. Nothing has settled in this time and most things are still in flux. But nonetheless, I feel stronger and more open to the serenity of stillness in life.

    The winter has been a chilled one. One filled with loneliness, escape, and searching. But slowly I have come to see the warmth of everything that I have and the ability—the stubborn, heavy, ability I have to keep going. Yoga has come to be a refuge for me. And in my savasana this morning, I felt the weight of this physical body holding and protecting my delicate soul. My flesh weighs me down and keeps me from flying away when things get tough. No matter what happens in this life, a part of me will always survive. No matter how many times my soul is broken, shattered, my body will not let it give up. My body will act as a shield until my soul is back together again. And when my body is the one that is hurting, my soul is there to carry me through. When my soul is lost, I can find it again; call it back to the present, simply by making my body stand still long enough for my soul to catch up.

    The winter seemed never ending. In fact, it isn’t until now when it has passed that I realize it was even demarcated at all. It isn’t a celebratory passing, but a quite one. I feel peace. And I feel love. I focus each day on becoming a more natural version of myself, both physically and mentally. I aim to calm my itching, restless, wondering nerves so that I may go through change with grace and compassion.

    This has not been an easy season. I spent a while, months, just trying to figure out where home was again. I traveled from Uganda to Dubai to Chicago to Los Angeles to San Francisco. And it wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t able to sit still. So I traveled to Washington, DC. And then to Providence. And then to Boston. I had layovers in Salt Lake City, Atlanta, Minneapolis, and New York. I didn’t know how to do anything but keep moving. I was searching for some unknown truth that kept me from satisfaction. I continued until I suddenly felt overwhelmed by loneliness and my shrinking pocketbook. So back in Los Angeles, I set off on a journey of the soul. I wanted to ground myself in something that I could obsess about—something I could get lost in. And once I was lost, I found myself. I found a routine and I found stability, even if it was sporadic and fragile. Yoga brought life back into me. I became coherent enough to stop running and start facing my demons each day on the mat and in the rest of my life. I started practicing passion again. I first found passion in small things like new foods and bike rides. And then I was able to find my voice again. I could calm the shaking, self-doubting, monsters that haunted my life and kept me frozen in my place, unable to find peace or solace in anything.

    I don’t know when this winter began. Perhaps it corresponded with the solstice, or perhaps I had my own solstice many months before that. I still find peace in motion. I am often happiest on a bus or train, surrounded by strangers and so many different smells. But I can breathe now. And spring is here. My equinox.
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