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  • WHEN I WAS a freshman in college, apparently acting on a tip from who someone who was jealous he hadn't come up with my idea first, campus cops barged in and apprehended me one night in my dorm room cooking up some Canadian bacon on my roommate’s iron. Well, I was HUNGRY, and too broke to go out for pizza.

    The incident wended its way through that pre-law-student's delight, the undergraduate disciplinary process. Eventually, I got hauled up before the Interdormitory Council Judiciary Committee for a full-dress hearing on a charge of violating the College's stern prohibition against hot plates in undergraduate dorm rooms.

    I pleaded Not Guilty, and made a brilliant (even if I do say so myself) legal argument in my defense:

    Me: "May it please the Court, an iron is a permitted appliance in a dorm room, is it not?"

    The Court: "Yes."

    Me: "But hot plates are verboten, correct?"

    The Court: "Yes."

    Me: "So, your Upperclass Superior Worshipfulnesses, I was just ironing some bacon. What’s the problem?"

    Judgment of the Court: Probation, and not just for me, but for my roommate, too, for furnishing the instrument(s) of the crime.

    Maybe I should have gone down to the engineering school the next day, instead of going to law school some time later.
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