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  • I feel like I am always waiting for the perfect time in my life: the time when I will have the partner I want, live in the city I want, have the job I want. Sometime, in the possibly near future, I will have these things, and I will feel the sense of sweet satisfaction that constantly eludes me. The sense that things are complete and full in some way. The sense of being satiated, like you are full after having a good meal, and you still have plenty of time to digest it. Like when you are thinking of the embrace of someone you love, and it wraps you in feelings of cozy warmth. I imagine that my life will somehow be like this, one day.

    But really, aren't a lot of us searching for that sweet spot? Like the eye of a storm, the place where, despite what else is going on in the world around us, we are okay. Because we are doing whatever it is we think and feel we are supposed to be doing. And enough of it to find a sense of satisfaction. I am coming to think that this is a false idea, that I have attributed meaning attributed to a false concept. When I stop thinking about everything I am not doing that I think I should be, and instead focus upon what the good things in my life, I feel okay. Joyful even, sometimes. When I stop thinking that I don't do enough to make the world better, that I haven't written my autobiographical play yet because I'm scared, and that five months into the job search I still don't have a paying job, I feel hopeless.

    But I had this feeling the other night. I was just dancing to a song I really liked and felt nothing but the beat in my ears and the movement of my body, and I relaxed into my own movement and flow with ease. I could just enjoy the simplicity of feeling good, in my body and mind, and I think that is what contentment might be. I guess I'll just keep chasing the good feeling.
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