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  • Sometimes life seems so hard, or maybe just so stupid... to me anyways. To others, it seems to be some great, fantastic thing and I just wonder "What drug are they on?". I just don't see... how can family be so wonderful, how can friends be so close? How can anyone possibly have fond (?!!) memories of highschool? How could anyone really want to go back? Back to what? To twice this uncomfortableness? Twice this stifling shyness? So that I could be twice as horrible, twice as confused, twice as bitter about something that ultimately is nothing? What in the world do I have to complain about? My life is perfect in so many eyes. Decent job, great boyfriend, nice apartment, okay looks, okay face, okay clothes - I'm not poor, I not snotty. Well "hot damn!" my life life is just perfect now ain't it?

    Well sure, to many - but then what exactly is perfection? Certainly not this life. Whatever I try to do, it always seems to end up having some selfish motive as the driving force behind it. So I'm horrible. I'm nasty. And then I end up hating myself. I don't know why I feel so competitive. Do I need for people to think highly of me that badly? I suppose I do. Which just makes me feel even more like I'm a bad person. Oh, I just don't now. I don't know why sometimes I feel like "strangling" people who make too much of things. "Get over it!" But then I look at me - here I go again... Way overboard - way way way way overboard. This babbling could go on forever. I hate this. I feel so very down about my life. About MY life. What is so wonderful about being me? Is it the fact that I get to hang around people who are better than me? Or should I even feel that? I something feel I give a lot. And then I sometimes feel I give too little. Mostly I just can't decide. And frankly, I suppose I just shouldn't even care.

    I feel like crumpling up into a ball and crying and escaping and closing myself off from the whole world. I wish, sometimes, that I could go off somewhere and lose myself and tell people the wrong name - then become that fictitious person. And leave the me I hate behind. I wish sometimes I could have no ties. I feel like I'm going to have some sort of weird breakdown. Thing cannot continue to go like this. I don't think I could make it through. This just can't work. I need someone. I'm not sure who. I can't seem to figure anything out. I just want to cry and scream and yell and hit myself and cut myself 'til I bleed and hurt and cry and fall and sleep sleep sleep. And then maybe when I sleep I'll feel better, I'll feel better, I'll feel better, I'll feel better. But that's probably a dream. I envision myself in a little ball - curled up in a little ball like an armadillo or pill bug - my armor, my defense to keep me safe. To keep them all out. What it is it that I need? I'm feeling it more and more I think - I'm feeling it more and more often that I'm not in the right place - that I'm not in the right time. All wrong all wrong all wrong all wrong all wrong. So what do I do to figure this junk all out? What do I do to keep myself from going insane? What do I do to keep myself from driving others insane?

    What do I do when I feel like being an armadillo?
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