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  • I woke up screaming. It was inevitable, and I'm surprised it's taken this long.

    Only 4 days left now till my youngest and I have to leave. We'll drive off away from here - away from our beloved home and friends, away from my husband and my eldest son.

    Away.

    We will be floating away, drifting, away from shore and into unchartered waters. That's what it feels like.

    I had a dream last night in which our youngest son was in a pool of slimy, fetid water, looking for frogs. I didn't like the look of it (don't, in real life too) but went in anyway, to help him. While I was standing beside him in the murkiness he somehow fainted. He is big (in real life and in the dream) and it was a real challenge to get him up and out of the water. I did, but then had to pull his limp body across an outdoor space that was sort of a yard but not - there was a door at one end. As I dragged him across the yard, it became more and more ominous - strange noises and the sense that someone was behind me, lurking. I got to the door and it swung open, but it wouldn't close. Like a public restroom door that is not set right on the hinge? The way it just swings.... Anyway, I desperately wanted it to close, to protect us from whatever it was that was coming up behind me. When I realized it wouldn't close I decided on fight rather than flight as the necessary survival strategy.

    "Who the fuck ARE you?!" I screamed into the darkness. (I do this a lot in my dreams - all 5'3" of me morphs into some quasi superhero bad ass, who stands up to some gigantic predator/devil/enemy, telling him/her/it that I am not afraid, and just who does it think it is? Hilarious, in hind sight.)

    My husband woke me up, had to jostle me pretty hard. I had screamed so loudly and clearly in the bed, he'd awoken in a fright. I fell right back asleep but the dream stayed with me all day, made me uneasy.

    I understand why I'm anxious about all the change that is transpiring - all of these swinging doors, all of the future unknowns casting dark shadows in my psyche. But I'm not sure I understood till now how strongly I perceive my husband as my anchor, keeping me steady. Of all the change taking place for our whole family, this is the hardest part:

    I am indeed afraid. Afraid to sail away without him.


    Photo: Leonard John Matthews
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