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  • So there's this music video where the band members are walking through a crowded street in winter, and you can tell its winter cos everyone is so coated up. But then the band members start to undress. Slowly, first only the jackets and scarves, and then proceeding with the rest of their clothes.

    And there's this particular moment when they had begun to undress in which i could connect with their feeling of freedom and carelessness and their just not caring about what everybody else could think. It was like a pulse of joy that made me feel young again and that youth lasts forever. And then they took off the rest of their clothes and that intense joy faded away to me sexualizing the video even though i tried really hard not to do it. And I could feel a reference coming forward through my brain about youth being efimeral just like my connection to their freedom and being only smoke or something like that that i think i once read in ecclesiastes but wasnt fully able to recall. And then i remembered those years of my adolescence so much time ago (or so it seems, i promise) when i could quote extensive passages of the Bible and i wondered about the present, my present and just the present in general and the fact that now i can only remember a few verses after years and years and years of Bible school. People change, or so I've heard.

    And then i thought that even when it had been such a simple shallow experience it felt so incredibly deep and thought about writing a note about it just so that i could feel so kurt vonnegutish, knowing all the time that me writing crap won't be nearly as good as his written random crap, and thinking that it would make me no better than the people who instagram their sushi that i make so much fun at but except this time i would do it with my thoughts, and i actually started the note but got stuck on it (due to not being able, or brave enough, to write down my own true feelings), so i played another video, this one reminding me of how cool it would be to have bipolar disorder and music talent and a zoe deschannel kinda girlfriend and i read the note again from the beginning, fighting against the impulse of writing for you and trying writing only for me instead and realizing i might have bipolar disorder after all, just as all my high school friends used to tell me over and over again. Sometimes i wonder about them. My high school friends i mean.

    So everything serioused up and i could see clearly in my mind the words i had written in my journal when i came back to my hometown: 'confused as hell and shit,' and gave it a second thought on writing them just like that because of my mom reading this or that friend of my mom who knows english and who can actually tell her the kind of vocab i use. But then i remembered the cool mom i have (she is one of the kind who knows the real important stuff you should pay attention to, and who knows that the main goal of the devil is not having us cursing and stuff).

    So my life right now is just like an image that has been coming to me in my dreams and in my working hours and in my most lucid moments and when i wake up to cold mornings. Have you ever tried to hold sand in your hands? Yep, its just like that. But i wonder if life is not like that for everyone and i am very convinced that ever since the beginning of time, through the making and disappearing of nations, everyone's lives have been like that too. I could picture slaves and Summerians and a roman emperor and Isaac Newton and jazz musicians all trying to get a hold on life, trying to fathom it, to make it theirs and grab it and not letting it be just a rebel stream of clear running water out of their control. And i could picture me losing it just after a lucid moment of understading.

    "But we never get back our youth. The pulse of joy that beats in us"
    -Oscar Wilde. The Picture of Dorian Gray.
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