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  • J is still just a wonder. He continues to amaze me. He is so adorable, so strong, so everything to me. I look at him and I think my heart will just burst with the amount of love I feel for him. I could not have imagined EVER what this would have felt like. It is just something you have to feel for yourself. Of course, I am sure that not everyone feels the way I do about their own children. Everyone is different. I feel an extremely close bond with him. I think he feels the same for me. He also seems to be developing a significant bond with daddy... one that I hope will continue to grow. I'm sure it will. And it will be a beautiful thing to see. Even when things are really terrible (when are they REALLY though? I guess I just mean when I am tired and he is fussy or whatever...) so anyways, when things are not so good, even then - I just look at him and know that I am so blessed. His beautiful eyes, his little fingers and toes, his lips, his brow, his lashes, his ears. I love each and every little thing about this human being, this little baby boy. I love that I know him so well. I love that he is teaching me so many things. I love that he smiles at me and laughs when I kiss him in a silly way on his neck. I love that he knows he is safe when he is with me. I love to nurse him and change his diaper. I love to cuddle with him after he has fallen asleep next to me, his little body curled into my arm, his head nestled in my breast. I love his little sighs. He breathes in short staccato breaths - huh, huh, huh, huh, huh... and then one long exhale ahhhhh, as he releases his tension. I love this boy. I love him so much, and he makes me want to be a better person for him and for his dad, and for myself and the other people in his life - his uncles, aunts, grandparents. J is a miracle. He is nothing short of a miracle. I will forever be thankful for him and I treasure every precious second that I have with him. I cannot even imagine what it will be like to look back on these days 10, 20 or 30 years from now. I don't want to forget. I want to remember how scared I was, how excited, how happy, how amazed. I want to remember how his little body felt - so small, so soft. I want to remember how it felt to just hold him and love him. Please don't let me forget it ever. It's only been about four and a half months and I am already feeling it go by way too fast... slipping through my fingers (at the risk of being cheesy) like sands through the hour glass. Not that I don't want to see him grow... but I just want to know that I lived each second to the fullest and that I always appreciated the moment I was in. J probably has many purposes in this life but I know for sure that one of them was to teach his mommy a few important lessons about relationships, love, trust, patience, and many other things. I'm still learning, but J is the best teacher in the world.
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