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  • This is my first entry into a series of stories/musings/experiences in meditation. I did not want to begin another blog, but instead wanted to have these experiences collected into a series, so I could always return to them easily.

    I've been reintroduced to meditation in the last month or so - since the beginning of 2013. For the past few years, I've been growing more and more cynical and bitter - mostly due to several emotional experiences that were dragged up from the deep abyss of my subconscious. I might later get into these issues, but I might not. I will say that I was angry over many things. Some of these things were out of my control, like graduating with my degree and getting out of school to not find a job in an area with a 10% unemployment rate. On the other hand, I did not know what I even wanted to do with my life after four years of hard work at the age of 32. That was one of the real kickers. And these were the very minor privileged problems that I had. There were darker ones that began way before that and had nothing to do with school or work. I'll keep these to myself for the meanwhile.

    Luckily, being a member of Gen-X has provided me with many other thirty-and-forty-something peers in the some boat as above. I also have a wonderful partner that is very patient and willing to support me through all of my emotional and whimsical shenanigans. The problem is, I beat myself up about all of this - majorly. I come from a blue and white collar family. I've had hard work drilled into my psyche since I can remember. This outlook has led to a very emotionally angry state.

    All of this being said, I fell from a very light place into a very dark place. I'm trying to find the light again. Meditation is greatly helping me with this. I've had bouts of practicing meditation over the years - a very small bit in high school, a lot when I lived in Seattle in my late teens and early twenties, and off and on over the years. I have tried different forms as well. The latest, and what I find to be the most simultaneously disciplined and freeing is from the Shambhala tradition. I'm using Susan Piver's Open Heart Project as an easy way to get started. It has been extremely helpful so far and I actually get excited about sitting still daily - something that I usually would think a difficult thing. I have felt an obvious transformation in the last month or so since beginning. I wanted to document these changes in a place separate from my regular manual journal.

    This will be a very self-involved collection. It's mainly a space for myself. If there are readers here, then great. If not, that's perfectly fine, too.

    I will close with this quote that I've been using as a form of mantra, lately. I'm not particularly fatalistic at all, but this helps when I'm reeling in rumination and worry.

    "Everything is unfolding exactly as it should. You can rest." - Jen Lemen
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