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  • of course it's 'normal',
    part of the 'process'
    but after 2 1/2 years, or
    30ish months, or
    about 9,000 days of
    living with someone has several 'regulatory dysfunctions' (doctor's words, not mine)
    in his brain
    with someone who manifests these 'dysfunctions' with difficult behaviour
    (difficult, defiant, dangerous, direful, dreadful, deranged - God how I love a thesaurus - behaviour)
    and even though you have been his only constant parent, and support, his sane, safe place
    when he asks you, correction,
    when after $4,000 in medical bills - this month,
    after hundreds of miles and hours of car trips,
    after you've read yourself blind to understand so you can be that sane, safe place
    when he screams at you,
    from his 17year old ego-bound place
    "Do you know what it's like to have to give up on your fucking dreams?!"
    for the first time, you can respond like that sane, safe person you work so hard to be,
    even after the second and third time,
    but eventually what you see is all the parts of you that you did give up,
    the parts of you that gave up All of the dreams your 17year old self had,
    all the dreams your 25 year old self had, and the dreams
    of your 34 year old self, your 41 year old self, and the 48 year old self that is looking
    straight into his grief, pain and anger
    and as you stand there, with all of the lost dreams wrapped around your throat and your heart,
    his and yours, because they are same for you,
    will all of the dreams for him and dreams for you that you push aside
    day after day after day, after motherfucking day
    with all the dreams neither of you will never realize because you're certain you'll be in this hell forever
    all your dreams for both of you that you don't even peak at, each, every moment, of you life, right now
    because it is easier to pretend you don't want them, than to lose them over and over again,
    as you stand there with all of your collective dreams smashed and weeping
    on the stupid beige carpet between you
    you respond "yes" in a voice that is louder than the sane, safe voice
    you tell him "yes" you know "what the fuck it is like", no longer even pretending to be sane,
    you tell him "yes" and so does everyone else in the world, and then you pick up new dreams,
    and then you suck it up and move on and you do you best, knowing as you hear your voice
    that this is not your best,
    not by a long shot
    but this,
    this smashed, weeping, broken person is the best you have to give him
    right now
    and you toss another dream into heap.
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