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  • Early 2012
    It took me years to finally work up the courage to show my secret, self-inflicted burn scars to my best friend. She understood why. No one knows my soul better than her. She listened, offered advice, and asked only one question: "Why burning? It's so...permanent."

    Autumn 2011
    I don't know if Lisbeth had come over intending to ask for sex, but toward the end of the night she hinted at it so much she might as well have. To her credit, she spoke of concern about me feeling used. However, what I really think she wanted was for me to convince her it was okay. I assured her: "You can't hurt me more than I can hurt myself." Months before, I had something akin to a breakdown, and ended a long-term relationship so I could destroy myself with no collateral damage. Lisbeth was just supposed to fill a physical void, but instead deliberately got close and then hurt me when something new came along. Now here she was striping, kissing, urging me not to stop... and then her fingers found a fresh burn in the dark.
    "What is this?" She asked.
    She had known about the other burn scars.
    "You know what it is. I told you, 'you can't hurt me more than I can hurt myself'."
    She began to cry her soul out, repeating “Sorry. I’m so sorry” over and over again. Whether it was guilt for what she did to me, or her own problems catching up with her at that moment, I can't say. But after an hour she got over it and was right back to where we left off.

    She wasn't the reason for that burn (one of five). Not even close. To answer my best friend's question: I think I burn myself so that when people see the scars I can refrain from opening up to anyone. So that I change the subject and become cold and distant. So that I can remember why I hate myself.
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