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  • Here we stand at the precipice.
    Though we always do, don't we?
    At any moment, a strong gust could blow us off our perch and into the chasm.
    Or we can extend a leg, lean forward, and invite whatever oblivion awaits below.
    Continuing that somewhat overused metaphor, I feel like I've been on that cliff a while now, nervously smoking a cigarette, trying to act the cool kid whilst I contemplate those two possibilities and throwing a fuck-you middle finger at things I tried to control but that got away from me.

    I didn't do it right, so fuck it, it must not be worth doing right. Nice attitude.

    I'd tangled my professional and personal lives up; I was happy for many years like that, but once the personal angle dissolved, the professional started to wander.
    I shouldn't say 'started to.' I've been adrift for a while as I've been doing the same thing, the same tasks almost, for twenty years now, and my disillusionment showed in my work and work habits.

    Tasks took longer not because they were harder, but because the prospect of arguing with a computer all day made it more difficult to get into the working mindset. Clients noticed and (rightfully) called me out on it and I inched closer to that ledge.

    My Presbyterian forebears would be ashamed. Shut up and do your work, for Chrissakes.

    But a funny thing happened in the middle of this latest round of angst: I got a call from nowhere, more or less, offering me my dream job.
    Well, if not my dream job, certainly the one I've been wanting as the logical next step in my career (as much as I think about my career), and for people I've worked with and know and trust. Running a team, defining rather than executing, the chance to be creative with folks whose abilities are stellar. Good money, great work, good people.

    I'd stepped off the ledge and somehow sprouted wings on the way down.

    Life's gonna change. I'm gonna have to wear pants and leave my house. I'll have more people depending on me and my fuckups will have a larger impact on a group of people I'll be accountable to. So will my successes.

    I'm ready and I'm excited and grateful and proud and I'm gonna kill it. Just watch.
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