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  • I have been listening to and reading Adyashanti. His first of five recommendations in The Way of Liberation is to "clarify your aspirations." After careful consideration, I realized (with some concern) that my aspiration does not seem to be for Truth--which is the objective he says is required to cut relentlessly through the binds of ego. No, what I want is to love and be loved (by the universe/God/as many humans as possible). Pretty sure that's ego talking--if sweetly.

    I am a good student. I do as he says--notice this aspiration without judgment. It is what it is.

    But his teachings also inspire me to look closer at this love I claim to want most yet have not "secured." Thanks to various relationships, I can see with increasing clarity that I want conditional love. Deep down, conditions imply safety. If I meet the supposed criteria, I can insure love. Makes total sense.

    Except, it also makes love a pulley system of reward and earning, the end product of which is a tug-o-war. How did I miss that? Because it feels empowering to function as the valve that regulates something so big, bigger than me, seemingly the object of love rather than love.

    So, I am examining this belief and its conditions. What would it mean not to have them? Would I just love any & every Cowbird story, for example? Must I not distinguish? Is love not a measure of something? I'm not sure. Certainly I love different stories for different reasons--some for the story, others for emotional impact or language or image. Some I love as if to convey understanding or encouragement to the author. Does it matter why? Who would I be without reasons to check myself? It? Them? Might that not be love itself?

    I know the risks of ego thinking it is love incarnate. I have seen that story play out--thinking to love someone unconditionally is to be loved unconditionally. That is still conditional thinking, and insanely hard.

    Maybe I do want truth, or some part of me does. Anyway, after making this drawing this morning, I can see that even to drop the conditions may be no better than generating them, since it still requires that I decide. Imagine! A world without me. But why?

    Unless to discover that I am not a condition or collection of them.
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