Forgot your password?

We just sent you an email, containing instructions for how to reset your password.

Sign in

  • My room-mate is drunkenly blasting one Neil Diamond song after another and drunkenly singing loudly along. If he wants me to move out, he can just ask nicely. There's no need to break out the heavy CIA rendition protocols involved in torture. I can understand maybe drunkenly singing a Neil Diamond song at some karaoke night, especially if you twist the lyrics into dirty rhyme schemes, but listening to entire albums is an inexcusable act that should lead to trial in The Hague for crimes against humanity. This is filling me with an unexplainable rage that must be quantified:

    Neil Diamond is the reason America is falling behind.

    Neil Diamond is the favorite music for molesting priests.

    Neil Diamond is the reason there are starving children in Africa.

    Neil Diamond is why puppies are stillborn.

    Neil Diamond created AIDS.

    Neil Diamond created Justin Bieber by clipping off a skin tag and throwing it into a Canadian sewer.

    Neil Diamond's music causes such pain and suffering that Hitler would have let Neil Diamond live.

    Neil Diamond was actually responsible from the collapse of the World Trade Center.

    Neil Diamond is the largest producer of snuff films . . . ever.

    Neil Diamond is the primary cause for erectile dysfunction.

    Neil Diamond has caused more vaginas to dry up than even menopause.

    Neil Diamond is the primary cause of postpartum depression.

    Neil Diamond actually was the second shooter on the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza who took the head shot on JFK.

    Neil Diamond's level of evil is so high that even Chuck Norris couldn't destroy him and was put into slavery in his service . . . for a fucking Christmas album no less.

    Neil Diamond is the reason cats run high up into trees.

    Neil Diamond is the reason there is blood from excessive wiping.*

    Neil Diamond was the reason Edward Norton didn't get the Best Actor Award for "American History X."

    Neil Diamond forced George Lucas to change all of the old Star Wars movies and then made him put Jar Jar Binks in the new movie.

    Neil Diamond forced George Lucas to sell the Star Wars franchise to Disney.

    Neil Diamond caused the banking collapse in 2008.

    Neil Diamond saved the Kardashian's from the Turkish genocide in 1916.*

    Neil Diamond was responsible for changing the recipe for Coca-cola in the 1980s.

    Neil Diamond introduced Yoko Ono to the Beatles; later, he actually shot John and framed Mark David Chapman.

    Neil Diamond invented assault rifles and high capacity magazines.

    Neil Diamond is the third Anti-Christ predicted by Nostradamus.

    Neil Diamond's music, not mosquitoes, is the primary carrier for malaria.

    Neil Diamond invented the "Giving" end of the Rusty Trombone. *

    Neil Diamond actually shot Dick Cheney's friend in the face with a shotgun and intimidated Cheney enough to take the blame.

    Neil Diamond's music has caused quantum fluctuations that reverberated back through time space 65 million years and was the actual mass extinction vector for the dinosaurs.

    Neil Diamond composed his first song and sang it to Albert Einstein in 1955. It caused an aortic aneurysm that would kill Einstein a day later.

    All of these created by yours truly expect the ones marked with an asterisk; those were additions from Mel Bain.

    (Note: Music is a matter of taste. Feel free to take this list and insert your own musician/artist of choice.)
    • Share

    Connected stories:


Collections let you gather your favorite stories into shareable groups.

To collect stories, please become a Citizen.

    Copy and paste this embed code into your web page:

    px wide
    px tall
    Send this story to a friend:
    Would you like to send another?

      To retell stories, please .

        Sprouting stories lets you respond with a story of your own — like telling stories ’round a campfire.

        To sprout stories, please .

            Better browser, please.

            To view Cowbird, please use the latest version of Chrome, Safari, Firefox, Opera, or Internet Explorer.