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  • a kind cowbird soul sent me kindness through the tunnels of wire that are the web and i processed this kindness and then realized something: all the people that have hurt me have themselves been very hurt and it is probably this hurt that is overflowing and hurting me.

    i'm not terribly invested in mathematics but it seems like there truly is an equilibrium of suffering.

    i saw a nice girl i never texted back at a bar last night and i told her i was busy, couldn't work on the project we had slated, was sorry, but thought how i really didn't care to see her again, kissed her because i was lonely and didn't know who else to kiss.

    was sad i was not kissing a girl i could love, who hurt me terribly by telling me she was in love with me, but who herself had been terribly hurt by a certain man.

    and i thought of another girl i could love who i took to a show and i liked and we held hands and the experience was magical and she had a headache and we sat down and i did this buddhisty thing where you squeeze between your thumb and index finger in the swollen pocket there and if you do it right your blood flows more freely, your vessels open and then headaches can be abated and she thanked me for this and i thought it was kind and i thought this is how you fall in love and stop bitching about not being in love on sites that are supposed to be filled with beauty but who you keep making uglier by being on the site and then i thought how she loved another man who i knew but she was with me so something hurtful must have happened here and then she left me altogether, wanted nothing to do with me, has not replied to the last two messages i sent to her on facebook and this hurt me and maybe even makes me yearn for the girl in the paragraph above, which jeopardizes her relationship with another man and probably causes her pain, too.

    so i have to ask, if my pain stems from someone else's pain, where did the pain originate?

    is it merely the byproduct of awareness?

    how do i turn buddhist?

    i like sex and stuff but not how people get all weird after and then run away.

    i wish they were more buddhist about it and just went and meditated or something and then came back sometime later so we could do it again.

    like i'm not asking to meditate together or anything.

    we could try it but i'm thinking the whole buddhist head thing involves like some internal journey towards a peace that allows your outer connected bodies to impart some kind of bliss stuff.

    not sure what i'm talking about.

    my brain really is quite base.

    i wish i could go to a show with a girl i like, kiss said girl i like, sleep with said girl i like, then have some time to do some buddhisty stuff.

    send nice emails about how some things we never get over, so we just go through and find new beauty on the other side.

    this nice email had a picture of a bridge you could walk under.

    i liked it.
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