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  • I've suffered debilitating bouts of depression off and on since I was a child. Luckily, I now know what I'm dealing with as opposed to when I was a teenager. Back then when I would fall into the darkness, I just assumed I was losing my mind and that the only thing that could possibly stop the hurting inside was by cutting myself. Back then, serious thoughts of suicide were frequent and dreamlike.

    Now I know that even though I can't always see the way out when I'm down in its depths, each episode is temporary. Some last longer than others, and some are far more severe than others. But now I know that at some point there will be a light for me to move toward, and I will ascend back to myself.

    That point is nowhere near me today. Today there is no light. Today I lie in total blackness beneath the weight of tons of heavy, cold steel. The breath and all feeling is being crushed out of me by something I can't explain or touch or wish away. All that is left is something brittle, hollow and ugly. Black ashes of a phoenix.
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