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  • When I was a girl my mum would say (amongst many things), "be a leader, not a follower". So I did. And it was great.

    When I got my current job as a national manager last year (aged 28) I asked her "how does that feel, to know both your daughters are managers, one before and one just after 30?"
    (at 30 she was a clerk, a mother, a wife).
    "It's what you were born for", was her reply.

    I don't know why I am doing this job. My survival trick - I tell myself to think of the glamour and enjoy it. After all this is best job I've ever had. The kinda job I saw from a distance.

    But I don't know why I have taken this path. I feel old because I have learnt too much about myself. Yet I really know nothing at all.

    1.Telephone counsellor for young people
    I would drive out every week (sometimes more) and sit in the dark room filled with warm light and even warmer people. The best kind if people. That take 4hours (plus) out of their busy lives to *listen* to children who.......................
    Aren't being heard.
    I don't write about this heroically. I write about it realistically. Because it is.

    2. Support work for adults living in a hostel
    I would drive out night after night and share the darkest hours of the morning with warm meals, talk and time. Listening to stories from corners of my own town, county, country that I could only try and understand. Walking in there, and living in a temporary space. I could only imagine that kind of home.

    3. Facilitator for probationers back in the community
    Driving out across the midlands. Cold days spent in the Peaks, on water, climbing, with warm and inspiring people. Whose stories from their darkest days, on paper, make me feel sick. I could see the people and the reasons.

    4. Therapeutic engagement for young people using drugs and alcohol
    That one thank you that means the world. That smile on a face where anger has been engraved by pain. And subtly scarred by addiction.
    (5.) Then training people to do the same. Treatment. The best kinds of treatment. Treating people like they deserve to be treated. Ending each day watching people leave with passion.....it's a chain reaction you....pass it on. pass it on. then pass it on. I get it now.

    My loneliness is my missing of people and making connections

    My ache is for attention from others. "You always want to be in the centre of things"

    My confusion of mind is the realisation that I am who am (was) because of the people I am something to, and for

    She said "yes you do need to delegate your training delivery, you're right you just don't have time now"

    I'm climbing the ladder because I believe there's something great at the top. Each new rung a challenge and adventure that brings so much reward

    This is my mind: "I never go backwards" vs "I'm want to go back down the ladder"

    What I was born for is other people. (Not like jesus/florence nightingale/>insert other here<)

    This isn't altruism. This is selfishness. You make me who I am. The pure joy from connecting with someone else.

    Because I can see you. I can see the reason for the reason, and the reason for that.
    I don't think you need me. Quite the opposite. I need you.

    I haven't craved my time alone for some time. Since I got this job last year actually. Being a leader.
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