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  • I joined the social network and immediately made fifty friends. I really only knew two of them, but it felt great to connect with so many people so quickly. During the next six hours I made a hundred more. The next day the number grew to five hundred. Who are you people, I said. No one answered. Instead they began to poke me. OW, I said. That hurts. Stop! They began to write dirty notes about me and to tag me in pictures that were not flattering in the least. I said, why can you not take a picture of my good side?

    I found several groups that were clearly about me. One was a collective of former girlfriends that were clearly pissed off by my inability to commit to a soul mate. I began to notice all of the litter that was lying around the network. People kept sharing video clips of cats and if it wasn’t cats they would post video clips of Dora the Explorer which made me feel as though I was suffering from a stroke.

    By the end of the week I was in a relationship with someone named Dan. Apparently I was his girlfriend. I think you have me confused with someone else, I said. He did not speak English. I figured out how to unfriend people and so I unfriended Dan. Everyone began to post about how crushed he was. I felt very uncomfortable about the situation.

    I began to unfriend other people, but my friends list continued to expand. I have no idea how to stop this, I cried. People did not like being unfriended and they began to poke me more and more and I began to collect bruises. I could pull the plug to the computer, I thought. Unfortunately we were all using Macbooks and I knew that I had a battery that would go on for hours. The idea was pointless anyway. Even if the power was off, the network would continue to breath.
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