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  • Now that memory of Monday night's hangover is dimming, you must be wondering what this new year will bring, even if you are afraid to ask. Well, infamous savant and troublemaker Max Entropy has saved you the agony of constant vigilance. On these pages he lists significant events you can look forward to in 2013, ready or not, so listen up.

    As always, Max is quite clear about what will afflict us, but his prescriptions vary in potency and require your complicity to fulfill. If you want to cash in on the future, read on and then do your homework. As you struggle with reality this year, be creative and clear-headed, and seize each day as if it were a New York Times crossword puzzle that spells out a secret message. Don’t follow Woody Allen’s bad example of cheating on his metaphysics exam by looking into the soul of the student sitting next to him. By knowing what's to come, you can profit handsomely. Max reveals how throughout.
  • The Stupid Economy

    • The US inflation rate will hold steady after the government stops including prices for food and clothing in the index. The reason given will be that these necessities can be obtained from charities.

    • When asked to comment if the rumor is true that Mitt Romney offered to privatize the US Treasury by selling it to Goldman Sachs, CEO Lloyd Blankfein will answer "Not necessary. We already own it."

    • A start-up company will find great success making car-top wind turbines. To profit from this brilliant venture, invest in construction firms that repair bridges and tunnels.

    • Another energy-related success story will be a firm that makes stationary bikes with cushy seats and timed snack dispensers that generate power for viewing TVs and using PCs.

    • Agribusiness will cash in on new food trends, including kangaroo ranching, insect-based protein supplements, and edible fabrics made from seaweed.

    • Many would-be entrepreneurs will take out loans to obtain franchises on new high-concept services, such as firearm customization, returning mail-order merchandise, and obedience schools for cats.

    • Investors, note that shipping containers will be in short supply as more and more households move into them.
  • World Events and Nonevents

    • Substantial oil reserves will be discovered offshore from Cuba, quickly leading to restored U.S. diplomatic relations and a surge in cigar exports.

    • In Syria, to avoid being removed from power, president Assad will declare Syria a state of the Russian Republic, commenting "Nyah, nyah, nyah!"

    • In Italy, Silvio Berlusconi will return to power after promising employment to every Italian woman between the ages of 16 and 25 weighing less than 60 kilograms.

    • In the US, armed conflict between Mexican drug cartels and tobacco company goons will erupt in states that have decriminalized marijuana. Market prices for weed skyrocket.

    • The first Walmart will open in Burma/Myamar/Whatever and creates a huge international outcry by selling tiger body parts.

    • In a bid to seal his re-election, Israeli president Netanyahu will dispatch a phalanx of bulldozers to push Gaza City into the sea and build a strip of luxury hotels that will employ most Gazans, who will live in tents.

    • Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez will return from cancer treatment in Cuba in a container full of liquid nitrogen displaying a repeating video of a three-hour speech instructing his party's faithful to continue efforts to build socialist solidarity in the Bolivarian Republic.

    • In England, a tabloid website will publish a purloined video of the birth of Fergie's baby. Many viewers comment that the infant looks a lot like Charlie Sheen. You can drive visitors to your site by posting the video on your Facebook page.
  • Clashes of the Uncivilized

    • A new religious movement, Jihadis for Jesus, will spring up in the Midwest among Muslims who attempt to convert Christians to their sect that worships the trinity of Allah, Mohammed and Jesus. However, as converts must renounce pork and alcohol, initial converts are limited to apostate Mormons and self-hating Jews.

    • Pro-life activists will see red when pro-choice cars begin sporting bumper stickers saying The Aborted Are Born Again; they counter by plastering their auto-derrières with Liberals Are Satanic Perverts.

    • Strife between professional hockey players and leagues will escalate until, after a tough bargaining session culminates in a confused free-for-all, management locks itself out.

    • In the spring, Afghani warlords will syndicate and oust the Karzai government; the syndicate changes the name of Afghanistan to Fugetaboutistan and sends NATO troops home.

    • In the fall, a glut of opium flowing from Fugetaboutistan causes narcotic prices and crime rates to plummet in Europe and North America. Get out of opium futures now.

    • US anti-bullying activists will get a boost when the NRA advocates for "equalizer" laws that allow middle and high school students to carry unconcealed weapons on school playgrounds.
  • Lifestyles of the Ludicrous and Lonely

    • After his ratings in his new time slot sag, Jay Leno will transgender to Judy Leno, who appears in drag as Jay and captures the critical metrosexual demographic.

    • IDG, publisher of the . . . for Dummies books, will sue Max Entropy Productions for publishing Investing for Crash Dummies, but will lose the case at trial when no crash dummies show up to testify.

    • At astronomical prices, wealthy Americans will snap up newly legalized Cuban cigars, which only much later will be revealed as containing an additive that makes their consumers crave for socialism.

    • A savory seasoning mix touted by celebrity chefs will sweep the nation, only to be forced underground by the DEA because it mostly contains magic mushroom powder.

    • Google will debut Google Weather, deploying a massive application that directs waste heat from strategically located server farms to modify local climates.

    • Thousands of relationships mysteriously flame out until Clio, Apple's virtual interlocutor, is outed by Gawker for inserting snarky remarks into iPhone users' voice messages and emails. Email your contacts to let them know and tell them to go to your site to learn how to incapacitate Clio.
  • A Word from Our Sponsor

    Take your hands off that shopping cart and step away from the mall. Mind your bottom line, spend time with your family, and hoard slack because you won't have much going forward. To learn how to cope with all the madness, sign up for Max's factoid-filled newsletter Stop Worrying and Profit from the Apocalypse for only $49.98 per month with a prepaid yearly charter subscription. Tell your friends too, because what good is it being able to say "I told you so" if there's no one to tell it to?

    Have an ice day, and don't say Max didn't forewarn you.
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