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  • here we go.

    the year of feeling vulnerable.

    that was what i set out to do this year. that and commit to myself and my heart first. always and forever. i needed to fall back in love with myself and with my life and so i put a turquoise ring on my finger and took vows with myself. i kissed both of my little pointy fingers, interlinked them with themselves and swore across my heart that i would always and honestly remain faithful. not just within this year, but throughout my life.

    to myself. to myself. to myself. which in the past, has been really hard to do.

    to be honest. fearless. expressive. even if that means later on, admitting i was wrong. which is OK. to be wrong. to have failed. to use that as a catalyst to move you forward.

    i put one foot in front of the other and set out to do the impossible. to embrace failure and vulnerability. to allow for them to happen. to encourage them to happen. not only to encourage but to welcome.

    this year i'd write. photograph. i'd collect stories from the field. write my children's books. write articles. write on blogs. write. just write. find my voice again.

    i wanted to set out to understand ancient culture. understand current culture. understand culture on the edge. understand my ancient past, current self and self on the edge. which currently i am. on the edge of my chair while i type this. thinking it's about time i go viral. because that's probably the most vulnerable thing i could do, is give friends and friends of friends alike, access to my personal thought process here. now. wherever these words live.

    in the realm of my personal struggles. insights. heartache. challenges. while in transition. on the road. solo. in love. describing beauty. heartache. and challenging my previous understanding of how the world works. my love hate relationship with a modern society. knocking down ideas and concepts that don't work for me anymore. writing on how those old ideas and new ideas have shifted my perspectives. all in the eyes of the public.

    i'll be judged. i'll be critiqued. i'm OK with that. well maybe not at first, but i'll sure be learning to be OK with that.

    hopefully i won't be considered narcissistic and instead be looked at as an inspiration....to live honestly. but who really knows.

    and thus this past july i took a job and from boulder, colorado to bali, indonesia i went.

    i was working in the field with students -which i love. which has inspired me. but it turns out, i'm actually not that great facilitating in the field for short periods of time, on environmental topics, with young students.

    and i'm OK with that. of course i'm OK with it now. i did take the entire morning to deal with my ego being OK with that. which it wasn't.

    my band mate elli would be shaking her head, smiling to herself saying, obviously.

    i'm a presenter. i get up on stage and present. i prepare. i plant thought provoking seeds. then i get off the stage. i allow the discussions, ideas, conclusions and self discovers to go on without me. i'm a writer. i show. i poke. of course i'm always available for follow up. like a good therapist. i'll listen to your thought process.

    three days ago I had a heart to heart conversation with myself about what i was needing from my travels. Ubud is entirely too comfortable for me. working as a facilitator within the field of environmental science doesn't actually fit with my objectives for the year. it fit with my bank account, my love for students and my love for field work, but again, it didn't fit with my objectives for the year.

    and what was one of the biggest objectives? right. to feel vulnerable. to follow my heart. to put myself first. ok, so that's three. but they all hold equal importance.

    i reassessed. asked what my needs were. stated my truth and then committed to myself. again. these things always need constant reminders. it is a practice after all. i met with my boss, tried to have a conversation about my role with the company and my lack of eagerness to move forward and he beat me to the punch line.

    "i'm letting you go."

    i nodded and agreed it was the right decision. in truth, i'm letting myself go.

    first there were emotions of, "katie you failed! failure!" and "no, let's make it work!" kind of how i feel when i want to end a relationship that isn't quite right for me any longer...do all that is needed to prepare myself for the dreaded conversation and he beats me to it. all of a sudden i find myself saying, "no wait! come back! let's make it work!" but the truth is, i wanted it all along.

    i just wanted to be the one to say it. first.

    so i'll say the other things first.

    i was wrong. i'm not good at that. i failed.

    OK, so i actually don't really believe in the word, failure, but i do believe in having the courage, acceptance and willingness to move forward when something ceases to serve you. to admit that you are wrong.

    to admit that i'm not good at something- totally puts me in a state of being entirely uncomfortable. it 1000000% challenges me. my emotional, mental and physical self.

    i failed. i failed. i failed.

    wow. that feels great.

    i failed! i failed! i failed!

    louder.

    i failed!!!! i failed!!!! i failed!!!! i failed!!!!

    and with that last explanation point, i now have made room in my life for success.

    as nicholas Kristof once said, "it's important to test your ideas and occasionally be wrong. i also think that you're more persuasive when you acknowledge when you have changed your views and explain how that process has happened..it ultimately gives you more credibility with your readers."

    well said.

    and with no further ado. as i wipe the sweat from my forehead, partially due to nervousness and partially due to the humidity on this beautiful island.

    click.
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