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  • Behind the shed is where I usually go when I am home.

    I'll grab my phone, slide on my sneakers and my warmest coat and I'll walk across the large green yard, barren of any trees because my step father keeps cutting them back, and on towards the shed. It's not so much a shed as a second garage and a green house that hasn't seen anything green in more than a decade. But, it's my personal refuge. "I think I'm just ready to grow up. I don't want to float around anymore. I actually do want to make money. I'm ready to make shit happen." I laughed these words into the other end of the receiver while I hopped from one foot to the other, trying to keep warm on a wooden plank. It was rotting amongst the rotting leaves. Everything rotting together. At some point, everything will be finished rotting. And flowers will sprout here. Death will take over. Then life replace it.

    I felt like parts of myself were rotting in that moment. Ideas and things I've wanted in my life no longer fitting in the picture. One of my closest friends said to me recently, "Life will commit to you, when you commit to life." When I had read it sitting in my inbox just a few weeks ago, I didn't know what he meant. I mean I knew, I could make sense of it in my brain but I couldn't figure out what those words really meant in my heart.

    Until now.

    For my entire life I haven't been able to commit to something long term. Short projects, yes. I'm really great at those. But long term ones, no. I was afraid. Afraid that committing to one thing would prevent me from committing to many things and closing me off to the spontaneity, unexpected and magic of life. And so I committed to nothing. Not my ex love- who I may never get over- my work nor my family. But I was wrong. By not committing to just one thing, left me, well it's obvious. With nothing. When you say yes to one little thing you say yes to life. When you commit to one little thing. You commit to life.

    I'm done running. I'm done saying no. I'm finished with being non committal.

    I'm going to commit to a job, with a contract that lasts at least two years. I'm going to commit to a relationship that requires me to show up fully, all the time, in shitty days and in great ones. I'm going to commit to my community, although this, somehow I've never abandoned. I'm going to commit to my self. My heart. My being. I'm going to commit to a place. A life. My life.

    And I can not express enough, just how amazing that feels.

    My life will be tended too, like a really beautiful garden that takes years to fully come into itself. Slowly. Compassionately. With commitment.

    These are the conclusions I find myself realizing, behind my parents shed.
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